College Hoops/24 Midseason Report

With the Patriots’ dynasty on hiatus until next fall, there are two things steadfastly keeping me from actually going out and exercising- college basketball and 24.

I love me some Villanova run n’ gun and I love me some Jack Bauer getting back on the torture train. And with little else to distract me during the weeks leading up to the worst Super Bowl in history, I am focusing much of my attention on the relationship between college hoops and 24.

In many ways, the college hoops season is very much like a season of 24. You know coming in that Jack Bauer is going to kill an ungodly number of terrorists and love interests because he’s Jack Bauer. He’s the wrath of God incarnate. The bad guys can send all the world class assassins after Jack that they want, it just doesn’t matter. He’s going to win and he’s going win bloody. It’s a law of nature, like gravity.

The same holds true for college hoops. You know who the Jack Bauer of college hoops is going to be. You know that some team is going to step up Chloe-style and be a major factor that no one expected. You know someone is going to end up like President Palmer and be out of the running early. With college hoops at roughly its midpoint, it’s time to break it down…24-style.

Jack Bauer is UConn.

The #1 ranking doesn’t matter- do you think Jack Bauer gives a shit what the hacks at the USA Today think? Like Jack, UConn is a frighteningly talented juggernaut that tends to perform at its best when things get physical. Josh Boone and Hilton Armstrong, who’s played his way into the first round of the NBA Draft, are both defensive monsters and capable post scorers. The return of Marcus Williams, who isn’t afraid to break the law from time to time- just like Jack, gives the Huskies a deep backcourt with enough size to give defenders fits. And you know that Calhoun firmly embraces Jack’s pro-torture mantra.

Chloe is West Virginia.

Last year, like the Mountaineers, Chloe came out of her shell and started being a factor. Like a lot of people, I didn’t believe that Chloe had the goods- she was a little too smarmy, a little too eager- and I didn’t believe in West Virginia- they were a little too trendy after last season, a little too dependent on the outside shot. I was wrong on both counts. Chloe has shown that she has the goods. Not only is she Jack’s most reliable partner in crime but she is absolutely a joy to watch. West Virginia is the same. They are legit and one of those teams that no one wants to play in March. They may never get the headlines, like Mary Lynn Rajskub, the actress who portrays Chloe, but the Mountaineers will have an impact on the Final Four.

President Palmer is Arizona & Kentucky.

The death of President Palmer was to put it mildly, a shock. Palmer was the steady, slightly scarred hand that protected Jack from above. Would there be a Jack Bauer if there wasn’t a President Palmer? I don’t have access to a sophisticated enough supercomputer to answer that question but can there be a NCAA tournament if Arizona and Kentucky are sitting at home? Both these teams were ranked in the top 10 in the early season in large part because the voters were convinced that the NCAA had granted a waiver for both schools to suit up their alumni playing in the NBA. Certainly, Wildcats’ fans are shocked by both their teams’ dismal early performances but even with some strong play down the stretch neither team’s March chances look promising. Just like President Palmer isn’t rising from the grave (I don’t want to jinx it), Arizona and Kentucky may find themselves at home in March.

Curtis Manning is Villanova.

Manning has all the tools to be a great, Baueresque CTU field agent- he’s decisive, aggressive and talented. But just like Nova, there is just something that doesn’t seem right about him and it all starts with the Flank-2 fiasco. Jack had been gone for 18-months. You can’t tell me that CTU had rolled out so many secret distress signals in that time span that Curtis couldn’t remember flank-2. That just doesn’t fly and raises questions about Curtis’ future with the world’s most snakebitten Counter-Terrorism Agency. I feel the same way about Villanova. They have tons of talent, attack relentlessly on both ends of the floor and are physically tough. But can you get to the Final Four playing four guards? It’s great to watch on TV but if the Wildcats end up with a 2 or 3 seed, can they get by a tough regional championship against a team like Duke? Nova is great to watch but I have doubts that they’ll be there at the end.

Tony Almeida is Michigan State.

Like Icarus who died after flying too close to the sun, Almeida has paid the price for being too close to Jack. Let’s face it- Jack attracts violence but he also has the uncanny knack to shift that violence onto his friends and family- it’s a gift. Tony is out of the picture right now. He’s laid up in CTU’s medical center with a bad scratch after standing four feet away from a massive carbomb. But you know that he’s going to make a dramatic reappearance around hour 20 and so are the Spartans. Right now, Michigan State is off the radar. The Big Ten is arguably the nation’s second best conference and the Spartans are going to suffer some losses which should keep them outside of the top 10. But there is little question that Michigan State has top 10 talent- Paul Davis, Shannon Brown and Maurice Ager- and could be a smart play as a 3,4 or 5 seed in the your March Madness pools.

Edgar Stiles is Boston College.

Stiles is good, not great, at what he does. He is a solid backup to Chloe who is the mac daddy and daddy mac of CTU’s computer systems. He’ll occasionally come up big in a tight spot but his task is never the most important, his role never the most glamorous. Enter BC. The Eagles are good, not great, at what they do. They’re a contender in the ACC but even the most ardent of Superfans realizes that BC’s eventual place in the pecking order is beneath established powers like Duke and North Carolina. And just like Edgar seems to have had his heart broken by Chloe’s one-night stand, Eagles’ fans have to be feeling a little down about this season. The ACC is rarely going to be this bad. This really was the season for BC to make its mark in the league.

Lynn McGill is Memphis.

I have no idea what to think about a former Goonie and a former Hobbit calling the shots at CTU. McGill could turn out all right. I hope the whole “Goonies never say die” attitude carries over to his work at CTU but I have my doubts. I don’t think anyone can make three movies with Elijah Wood and not be a little tweaked in the head afterwards- Wood is like a demonic leprechaun. I’m just as conflicted about Memphis. I love Darius Washington, love their athleticism and talent, love the fact that they should coast to a number one seed. But I don’t trust Rodney Carney not to blow a gasket at some crucial moment, don’t trust that Conference USA is going to prepare them for high pressure tournament games, don’t trust Calipari to reel back their recklessness.

Michelle Dessler is Wake Forest.

Michelle is dead and no one cares. Wake Forest is dead without Chris Paul and no one cares.

Bill Buchanon is Duke.

Rudy basically castrated Buchanon. Before Jack Bauer reappeared, Buchanon was sitting pretty at CTU. As per international agreement, all major terrorist organizations retired upon the news of Bauer’s death- it just wasn’t the same without him- so Buchanon’s time leading CTU: Los Angeles was a good gig. But with Bauer back in the picture, it took all of three hours until he was getting the heave-ho. That’s Duke in a nutshell. The Blue Devils were never going to go undefeated and after living very dangerously, see Tech, Virginia, Georgetown exposed many of Duke’s flaws- sloppy point guard play, Shelden Williams’ struggles playing one-on-one, an offense completely dependent on J.J. Redick. Now, UConn is back on top and just like Jack knows he wears the pants in his relationship with Buchanon, the Huskies know they can beat the Blue Devils.

Walt Cummings is Florida.

Walt Cummings is about to know the meaning of the words “completely disregarding any American or international law prohibiting the use of torture.” Bauer is out to get Walt. You might as well write his obituary now. The Gators are the same way. Florida’s marquee win, the victory that got voters all hot and bothered, was over Wake Forest back in November. At the time, the Gators were unranked and Wake was in the top 20. Now, we realize that the Demon Deacons are a joke- so what does that make Florida? Here’s a hint: St. Peters, Albany, Syracuse, Florida State, Alabama State, Central Florida, Providence, Bethune-Cookman, Jacksonville, Miami, Florida A&M, Morgan State, Georgia, Mississippi State, Auburn and Savannah State. Those are the Gators’ other wins this season. Florida’s lofty ranking is living on borrowed time just like the Walt.

Jamie Chisholm