A Cocktail for Success:

You know the drill. I take a well known, over played, over quoted movie from the guy’s movie Hall of Fame and match up the quotes with the season preview. The pick for the 2007-08 New England Patriots is the 1980s classic Cocktail, starring Tom Cruise. As you may recall, the film involves a business student moving to New York City where he tries to land a job, but is forced to go to work as a lowly bartender at TGI Friday’s. He becomes friends with Zen-bartender Doug Coughlin and the two enjoy a love hate relationship, while Tom’s Brian Flanagan bounces from gig to gig and from life experience to life experience. Enjoy:

Doug: Coughlin's Law; Anything else is always something better.

To the Patriots receivers who were led last year by Reche Caldwell and Jabar Gaffney, two guys who most Pats fans had never heard off, while trading Deion Branch away to Seattle following a contract holdout.  During the well publicized off season the Patriots went out upgraded the position with Donte Stallworth (Philly), Kelly Washington (Cincinnati), Wes Welker (Miami) and of course Randy Moss (Oakland). Of course they still have Mr. Patriot Troy Brown.

Doug: Coughlin's Law; Bury the dead, they stink up the place.

This year’s contract dispute: Asante Samuel. As much as Patriots fans are looking forward to the start of the season, the on-going holdout by Asante Samuel is this year’s cloud over training camp and pre-season. Following last year’s divorce from Branch, fans are eager to see an end to this one, though it appears that Samuel could hold out until Week 10. (Of course a completely different resolution could be reached by the time this paper leaves the news racks, who the Hell knows…)

Uncle Pat: Most things in life, good and bad, just kinda' happen to ya'.

This one goes to back up quarterback Matt Castle. The guy never started a game at USC, jokingly calling himself the 2^nd best QB in the nation behind Heisman Trophy winners Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart, and has had limited playing time backing up Brady here in New England. Hopefully we won’t see any starts this season either.

Doug: I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.

This one goes to Belichick and Scott Pioli who have the hardware that allows them to bring in high priced talent for Building #19 prices. Just about every free agent pick up, except for free agent Adalius Thomas, was willing to take less to play for a potential Super Bowl winner. With limited guaranteed money and a short average shelf life, it is amazing how many players really want to get a ring.

Doug: When you see the color of their panties, you know you've got talent. Stick with me son and I'll make you a star.

This one goes to first round draft pick Brandon Meriweather who comes in from Miami with more baggage than most Patriots before him, Moss included. The height of his infamy came during an on field brawl last season, in which Meriweather was caught on tape stomping on players with his cleats. Pats fans can only hope that the lure of a team atmosphere and hopes of a championship season contribute to the growth of Meriweather.

Bonnie: Don't let it end this way.
Brian: All things end badly, or else they wouldn't end.

To anything less than a Super Bowl win. Fans of Cocktail remember Brian’s role as high priced girlfriend Bonnie’s boy toy. After Brian takes a shot from some snobby prick at an art show, he decides to knock the guy, and his art, onto the floor. Well for the Patriots the last two seasons have ended in a similar fashion.  A disappointing, error filled, loss in Denver two years ago was particularly hard to watch as players were actually getting into fights with each other on the bench. Then last season’s crushing 21-3 blown lead to the hated Colts marked the only Red Sox-like collapse during the Dynasty era. All things end badly, but those two were hard to swallow.

Brian: Coughlin's law: never show surprise, never lose your cool.

To Tom Brady. The NFL golden boy was dealt quite a shocker a little less than 9 months ago, when former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan announced to the world that she was having his baby. Suddenly the Teflon QB was cut (“the Russian’s cut”). Brady, however, took it in stride, acing cool and calm, while continuing to bang super-model Gisele.

Doug; Coughlin's law: never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is, she'll always hear you.

This one goes to Gisele, aka The Body, who was reportedly not too happy about Tom wanting to rush off and see his girlfriend’s baby. Hopefully she’ll be jealous enough to show up at Gillette to cheer on Tom in some tight outfit that we can all drool over.

Brian: I am the last barman poet / I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make / Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake / The sex on the beach / The schnapps made from peach / The velvet hammer / The Alabama slammer. / I make things with juice and froth / The pink squirrel / The three-toed sloth. / I make drinks so sweet and snazzy / The iced tea / The kamikaze / The orgasm / The death spasm / The Singapore sling / The ding-a-ling. / America you've just been devoted to every flavor I got / But if you want to got loaded / Why don't you just order a shot? / Bar is open.

Bill Belichick is still hailed by the NFL experts as God in a hoodie, and while those 3 rings and the way they were won may keep Belichick on the coaching Mt. Rushmore, this is the best team he’s had on paper since the departure of Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel. If Belichick can win a world title with a waver wire team like in 2001, it would stand to reason he can lead an All-Star team to the Super Bowl, right?

Doug: The Luck is gone / the brain is shot / but the liquor we still got.

This is to Patriots Place. Years from now, hopefully many, many years from now, the Patriots will be on the other end of the stick. They’ll have a different coach and a different quarterback and will be a losing team trying to turn it around. Can’t you just see some of these huge stores, like Super Bass Mart displaying signs that read “Space for Rent.” Maybe I’m the only one who only travels to Foxboro for football.

Brian: I'll stick with the brew.
Doug:  Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone.

This one goes to Randy Moss, who until now has always done things the way Randy wanted to do them. Playing when he wanted to and running over Meter Maids, while living the straight cash lifestyle. We can only hope that he has seen the light and decides to put that million dollar talent ahead of the 5-cent brain and get with the winning ways in Foxboro. Thankfully, the Pats have given themselves a cheap out if Randy continues to listen to Randy instead of Big Bill.

Brian: Should we let it breathe?
Doug: It hasn't breathed for fifty years, it’s dead. Let's just drink it.

This one goes out to Junior Seau and Vinny Testaverde who were rookies in the leather helmet days and are going to give it one more crack at a ring this season. Junior should make a much bigger contribution than Vinny, though Vinny will no doubt try and add on to his consecutive seasons with a touchdown pass record.

Brian: The waitresses hate me!
Doug: You wait till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.

This is to the Patriots

The Patriots running game is a bigger question mark than past seasons, following the departure of Corey Dillon. Laurence Maroney is now the man, with Kevin Faulk and Heath Evans returning and Sammy Morris joining the team. Maroney’s shoulder has been an issue and a scary one for Pats fans who don’t want to see teams teeing off on Brady as the Titans did in the pre-season. If healthy, Maroney’s ability could make him a Pro Bowl caliber back and make things that much easier on the rest of the offense.

Uncle Pat: You outwork, outthink, outscheme and outmanuever. You make no friends. You trust nobody. And you make damn sure you're the smartest guy in the room whenever the subject of money comes up.

The Patriots defense. The line remains solid when healthy and the addition of the versatile Thomas allows Mike Vrabel and Teddy Bruschi to play their natural positions. Seau’s return adds depth, as does that of Wilson and Gay in the secondary. If only they can get Samuel back, even if it is Week 10, they should be just as good if not better than the defense that broke the team record for points allowed last season.

As for the rest of Coughlin's Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit.

Email Adam at Ub@barstoolsports.com