The Church of “Pioli-chick”

Yes, it's been over two weeks since the Patriots "drafted" Randy Moss, but it's taken that amount of time for me to come to grips with the fact that a man believed to be one of the most selfish players of his generation is coming to play for an organization that has won Super Bowls on the backs of unselfish players. Perhaps the longest "He's really going to play here?" phase I’ve ever gone through..

Those who believe Moss will bring another Super Bowl to New England either 1) are lemmings who approve of everything the Patriots say or do or 2) believe in the "Church of Piolichick", which apparently believes Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli have the power to turn divas into team players, bitch-slapping thugs into role models who drink milk, go to sleep at 11, and drive with their hands on 10 and 2.

If the Randy Moss experiment is successful, here are ten more people who through the "Church of Piolichick" could turn their lives and careers around.

10. Roger Clemens- A million dollars a start? Um no. Plane trips back and forth to Texas? Nah uh. Gil Santos having a Suzyn Waldman-esque orgasm over the news? Maybe. Let’s see Roger try to dick over two New England teams.

9. Rasheed Wallace- Thought of this when Sheed was rumored to be headed to the Celtics years back. Could this technical-magnet be tamed by the “Church of Piolichick”?

8. The Writers of '24'- After the phone-in job that was this season (more on this later in the week), it's obvious ‘24’ needs a kick in the ass and who better to give it to them than the “Church of Piolichick”. After one training camp in Foxboro, Jack Bauer will be all set to handle an escalating terrorist threat tied to a White House conspiracy linked somehow to his family, with the help of his new partner, Federal Agent Wes Welker.

7. Floyd Mayweather Jr.- While Pretty Boy Floyd might not need Belichick and Pioli to win another championship, a few hours of instruction in the fine art of oratory from Belichick would make his interviews are lot easier to understand.

6. George W. Bush- Not sure if the War in Iraq would get any better under Bill Belichick (who am I kidding? Of course, it would) but it would sure be a lot more popular. Likewise if W started wearing gray hooded sweatshirts, his approval rating would surely double (which isn’t that hard these days).

5. Manny Ramirez- Since it’s the day after Patriots season ends that the “Manny Watch” begins the two seem like a natural fit. But then again, would a Manny who shows up to Spring Training on time, runs out ground balls, doesn’t watch home runs, and doesn’t heavily pet Julian Tavarez be any fun to watch?

4. Allison Stokke- Just agree. Anything to get a picture of her posted. I’m fully on the Stokke Summer 2008 bandwagon.

3. Christopher Moltisanti- Forget the fact that he’s dead. The Patriots can work around that. Since making B movies couldn’t save Christopher from the Soprano family’s destructive influence, the only organization that could save him would be the New England Patriots. Trading pinky rings for Super Bowl rings would’ve been a good career move for “Christopha”.

2. Adam "Pacman" Jones- If the Pats are successful with Randy Moss in 2007 then they should go for broke and pursue the Holy Grail of NFL Thuggery, Pacman Jones. Hey, when’s the last time you remember the Patriots not needing secondary help? Jones is one of the best and if Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli can make Randy Moss a Patriot, anything’s possible. 

1. Lindsay Lohan- Undersized, yes, but this poster child for “daddy issues” would be the ultimate test for the “Church of Piolichick”. If they can keep her from snorting the yard lines and drunk dialing Tom Brady on game weekends (and if Tara Reid couldn’t derail Tom Brady, nobody can), and she can regain her “Mean Girls” cuteness, the “Church of Piolichick” would definitely have proven something.