Celebration 101

Well it seems like we have a victory riot every couple weeks now in Boston.  And per usual Barstool Sports is here to break down the different ways that people celebrated the long-awaited championship.

1. Quiet Man

Quiet Man is the guy who reacted to the final out by just sitting there and staring at the TV in disbelief. Quiet Man didn’t get up and jump around; he didn’t look to hug people. He just sat there and reflected the magnitude of the Red Sox winning the World Series again. A couple sure-fire ways to spot Quiet Man is by looking for a guy on the outskirts of a room or on the outskirts of a crowd sitting there rubbing his forehead trying to come to grips with what just happened.

2. Cell Phone Guy

Everybody knows lots of Cell Phone Guys. It is one of the most common celebration techniques in the world. Cell Phone Guy has his phone out and is ready to dial the second the game ends. It’s one thing to call a few close buddies or family members, but Cell Phone Guy calls virtually everybody he has ever known in his entire life. Cell Phone Guy is on the phone immediately after the game, he is on the phone walking out of the bar, and he is on the phone all through the post game festivities. For the most part Cell Phone Guy’s conversations all sound the same and go something like this. “Dude, this is freaking unreal. It’s crazy here. Go Sox. This is so sick.”

3. Cop A Feel Guy

Cop A Feel Guy employs one of the sneakiest celebration techniques there is. Essentially Cop A Feel Guy capitalizes on the fact that everybody is in a good mood and congratulating each other. Cop A Feel Guy goes in for hugs on all the cute chicks who are out celebrating and will “inadvertently feel an ass or breast” without the victim even knowing what happened.

4. Dance Man

Dance Man celebrates by dancing at every opportunity. Dance Man is the guy that you see crowded around the homeless guys who play the drums on the side of the street. He may even try to grab a drum stick from the homeless guy and hit the bucket a few times himself. Dance Man will also go berserk at the first hint of Dirty Water. He’ll even try to break out a few moves when people are honking horns. He can usually be spotted by the fact that his dancing resembles Elaine from Seinfeld.

5. Shock Man

Shock Man is a relative of Quiet Guy with the only difference being that Shock Man keeps on saying, “I can’t believe the Red Sox won the World Series again”, “I can’t believe the Red Sox won the freakin World Series”. Shock Man will say some variation of this phrase to every single person he meets the entire night. It doesn’t matter whether he is speaking to strangers or friends and family. Shock Man can’t say anything except “I can’t believe the Red Sox won the World Series again.”

6. Drunken Rioter

Drunken Rioter is the guy whose number one priority was to be totally sloshed by the time the Red Sox recorded the final out. He isn’t necessarily a Red Sox fan either. The best part of the Sox winning the championship for Drunken Rioter is that it gives him an excuse to act like an asshole.  Drunken Rioter is particularly disliked at Barstool Sports because one of his rioting targets are often our Barstool Sports news racks. Besides seeing a guy destroy one of our news racks there are a few other sure fire ways to spot the Drunken Rioter. First of all, he is usually so blitzed that he is stumbling around punching helpless objects like stop signs and cars and stuff like that. Drunken Rioter also loves getting in the face of other people who he doesn’t believe are rioting properly. He’ll yell stuff like “make some noise, the Sox just won the freaking World Series!”

7. Yankees Suck Guy

It took approximately 4 seconds after Jonathen Papelbon recorded the final out for the Yankees Suck Guys to congregate in the streets and start the Yankees Suck chant. Yankees Suck Guys can be spotted by the fact they usually still have zits and are under 21 years old. They are also usually wearing Yankee Suck shirts and possibly a Yankee Hater hat. The beauty of Yankees Suck Guys is that this is how they celebrate every positive event in their lives. It doesn’t matter whether it is a birthday party, a wedding or a World Series Championship. If something good happens Yankee Suck Guys react by starting the Yankees Suck chant. Yankees Suck Guys can also morph into Drunken Rioter, Dance Man or Cop a Feel Guy at a moments notice.

7. Merchandise Guy

Merchandise guy is the guy that somehow was wearing all the official Red Sox World Championship gear before the players even had it. Merchandise Guy is more concerned with making sure he is first in line at Twins Souvenir Shop than celebrating with everybody in the street. Merchandise Guy has all the Division Champs gear, all the ALCS gear and all the World Series gear. He owns an authentic Curt Schilling shirt and has a fitted Red Sox World Series hat. He may even be wearing sanitary socks.

8. Publicity Man

Publicity Man is a camera hound. He is the guy who follows around the local TV crews waiting for them to show the crowd so he can stick his mug on TV. Publicity Man will often turn into Cell Phone Man once he gets on the tube, because he’ll call everybody he knows to ask if they saw him. Publicity Man can turn the emotion on and off like a light switch. He’ll be calm and reserved until that red light comes on and then all hell breaks loose.

9. Climbing Man

Climbing Man is probably the easiest guy to spot celebrating because all you have to do is look up. Climbing Man feels compelled to climb anything and everything to celebrate the victory. He’ll climb telephone poles, street lights, trees, buildings, cars, and even other people. Climbing Man is generally at the highest risk of injuring himself or others during the celebration. Another drawback to Climbing Man is that he diverts attention away from the cops who should be paying attention to the drunken rioters. Climbing Man also usually takes himself out of the festivities pretty fast because once he climbs up high; he immediately becomes nervous and more concerned with not falling than actually celebrating.

10. High Five Man

This one is pretty self explanatory. Basically High Five Man just goes around giving everybody high fives. It doesn’t matter whether you are a male, female, old or young. High Five Guy just wants to celebrate with you. I’d say that High Five Man was probably the most common guy at the all the Red Sox celebrations.

11. The Manly Chick

The Manly Chick is the chick who is celebrating with the rest of the boys. She’s right in the mix starting the “Let’s Go Red Sox” chants and is decked out head to toe in Sox gear. And we’re not talking girlie sox gear either. She is probably wearing an authentic Tim Wakefield shirt, with a fitted Sox hat and loose fitting jeans. The odds are that she has a fairly deep voice and isn’t so light on her feet. Cop a Feel Guy passes right by her on the street without thinking twice. The Manly Chick will let you hear about it if you bump into her by accident or spill a little beer on her. Her favorite phrase is “We’ve got the Sox and the Pats baby!  And now Kevin Garnett!”

12. Police Provoker Man

Police Provoker Man is a cousin of the Drunken Rioter. The subtle difference is that Drunken Rioter doesn’t necessarily want to get in trouble with the cops while Police Provoker Man wants to see how far he can push them. Police Provoker Man is usually wearing a black Red Sox hat or an army Red Sox hat and is no older than 21 years old. Some of Police Provoker Man’s favorite moves are to lie down in front of the cops or to mimic them as they are walking down the street. Police Provoker Man will also try to portray himself as the protector of civil liberties. He basically doesn’t want the police to interfere with anybody’s right to celebrate or riot. They’ll be quick to get up in the police’s faces if they feel they are being too strict.

13. Flasher Chick

Anytime there is a good old fashioned celebration there is bound to be a bunch of Flasher Chicks. There is nothing that these girls love doing more than sitting on somebody’s shoulders and giving a quick flash of their boobs. You can spot a Flasher Chick a million miles away because there is usually a crowd around them chanting “Show your tits” or something to that effect. Listen, I like girls as much as the next guy but I’ve never been a huge fan of the Flasher Chick. I’m just not sure what the point is. It’s not like they leave their shirts off for an extended period of time or anything. Generally the Flasher Chick flashes so quick you don’t even know what happened. Regardless, it is definitely a distinct type of celebratory move that is worthy of mention.

14. The History Buff

The History Buff’s way of celebrating any championship is to rehash all the years of misery that preceded it. He loves talking about 1986 or Bucky Dent or 1967. He’s likely to get emotional on you talking about how his dad died before he could ever witness a championship and now we have two in four years. The History Buff can also slip into Shock Guy at a moments notice because all the talk about past failure makes it doubly hard to believe they finally did it. The History Buff is also probably a member of Sons of Sam Horn. Overall, I think it’s great to talk with the History Buff in bits and pieces. You don’t want to spend the entire night talking about past failure, but it’s still good to put some perspective on the importance of the current championship.

15. The Poser

I don’t know what it is about The Poser that makes him stick out so bad but you can spot them a mile away. The Poser can’t name more than 3 guys on the Red Sox and may think that Nomar Garciaparra is still on the team. The Poser probably just rolled out of a bar at Central Square where there was a live band playing during the game. Lot’s of times The Poser will be wearing hippie gear and is just looking for an excuse to party. The Poser would never wake up in time to attend the rolling rally.