The Case Against Bill Simmons

The Case Against Bill Simmons

Jamie Chisholm, Barstool Sports, Red Sox Fans everywhere,

Plaintiffs,

vs.

Bill Simmons, a.k.a "The Sports Guy," a.k.a "The Boston Sports Guy",

Defendant

Case No.: No. 12-3-456789-1

PLEADING TITLE

The Defendant, Bill Simmons, a.k.a “The Sports Guy,” a.k.a “The Boston Sports Guy,” is hereby charged with recklessly and moronically espousing the idea of “grace periods.” According to Mr. Simmons, a grace period is a set amount of time that a sports fan must subdue all rational thought in relation to his/her team’s performance in the years immediately following said team’s championship season. Since the Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series, Mr. Simmons has repeatedly urged Red Sox fans to embrace a five (or ten) year grace period and not be concerned about the team’s performance in the 2005 season. In this regard, Mr. Simmons is a buffoon.

Upon the final out of the World Series, Red Sox fans enjoyed an actual grace period: It was called the off-season. Mr. Simmons apparently missed the grace period from November until April because he was too busy posing for Improper Bostonian portraits and pondering how to rehash the same Red Sox championship article for the 17,000th time and passing it off as an original work.

In a recent column on ESPN.com, entitled “Boston Common,” Mr. Simmons again raises the subject of a grace period for Red Sox fans. He writes: “Even thinking about a second title makes me feel ungrateful, like the Baseball Gods could say, ‘Get a load of this jerk!’ So I'm quietly supporting them … almost like one of those upbeat Little League parents who's afraid to upset any of the kids.” This statement is a clear indication that Mr. Simmons’ move to the sports netherworld of Los Angeles and his unfortunate corporate world view have combined to destroy his ability to understand that not only is it acceptable to expect another Red Sox championship, but is, in fact, the unalienable right of championship fans everywhere.

Way back in the 20th century when the New York Yankees were a perenniel championship contender, did Yankees’ fans pat themselves on the back after a World Series win and say “Now that was a fulfilling season. Well, it’s back home to Connecticut. See you all in five years.” Of course not. The very thought is ridiculous. And yet Mr. Simmons expects Red Sox fans to simply sit back, pay $75 for tickets, and then grin and bear it if the Sox finish out of playoff contention. And Mr. Simmons expects Red Sox nation to do the same next season. And the season after that. And the season after that. And the season after that.

Mr. Simmons is wrong. Very, very wrong. Let me put this in a way that Mr. Simmons will surely understand. The idea of grace periods for fans of defending champions is about as good an idea as Scott Scanlon’s decision to try and look cool for David Silver by spinning his father’s gun.

Every fan of every team in every sport should expect their team to compete for a championship. It doesn’t matter if you are a Red Sox, Patriots, Red Wings, North Carolina, or Bunker Hill Community College fan. Being a fan is a two-way street. We pay for tickets, merchandise, concessions, special pay-per-view packages, magazines and every other piece of crap that most sports fans buy in support of their teams. In return, the teams we support are expected to do everything in their power to realistically compete for championships.

Obviously, some teams have no real hope of competing for a championship. Most small market teams in baseball. The Clippers in the NBA. Any non-BCS conference school in NCAA football or basketball. But in the case of Mr. Simmons’ grace period theory, the team in question, the Red Sox, have every attribute necessary to compete for a championship (payroll flexibilty, ownership willing to spend, relatively deep farm system, guaranteed sell-outs, profitable media partners) and thus, the fans have every right to demand that the Sox repeat as World Champions.

The Red Sox are one of the undisputed powers in professional baseball. On any given gameday, the Red Sox feature arguably the game’s best catcher, left fielder, designated hitter and center fielder along with a potential ace masquerading as a closer. This is a team that should contend for a championship and if Mr. Simmons needs any further proof as to the team’s ability to do so, I refer him to last fall when a gaggle of duck boats paraded the World Series trophy throughout Boston.

The idea of a grace period specifically for Red Sox fans promulgated by a Red Sox fan is perhaps the strangest part of this all. Apparently, Mr. Simmons is ready to grab the torch from Dan Shaughnessy (once he finally runs out of ways to make money off the Curse) because he seems obsessed with carrying on the tradition of painting Red Sox fans as some sort of strange and bewildering culture genetically incapable of enjoying a championship or recognizing the fleeting wonder of rooting for the defeding champions. Why is Mr. Simmons convinced that Red Sox fans are different from the rest of the world’s fans? If the Cardinals or White Sox or Yankees were to win the World Series this season would the St. Louis Sports Guy or Chicago Sports Guy or Mike Lupica write that their respective fans should hibernate for the next five years because it was unacceptable to expect another championship the next season. Not a chance.

But apparently Mr. Simmons believes that Red Sox fans are different. We should be satisfied with our once-every-86-years championship and assume that John Henry is paying $120 million in player salaries this season just so that in five years he can get back to the business of winning championships. Someone should take the time to drive down to Patriots’ training camp and inform Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the boys that they can all go home. “We’re gonna mail it in this year, fellas, Bill Simmons over at ESPN says that once you win a championship, you get five years to piss in the wind. Let’s shoot for 8-8. Alright, hit the showers, see you in September.”

Red Sox nation, the fine readers of Barstool Sports and I expect one thing from the Red Sox this season: another World Championship. If the 2005 Red Sox season ends without another Duck Boat parade, I will be bitterly disappointed. Does that make me crazy? No, that makes me a fan. A fan who believes that when a team is the defending champion, accepting anything less than another championship is just plain assinine. If Mr. Simmons feels like he can wait another five years for a Red Sox championship, that is his prerogative. I’m sure he has plenty of Saved By the Bells Tivo-ed that he can watch in the meantime.