Can Tom Brady watch The Departed without picturing Leo plowing his girl?

I am one of the lucky ones. According to what I selectively remember from every relationship I've ever been in, every woman I ever slept with was a virgin before meeting me. Even today-- years after we parted ways-- my female conquests are still raving about the breath-catching, heart-stopping, panty-wetting glory of my manhood and my singular skills between the sheets, in the dewy meadows and sandwiched between her and her mother.

 But not every guy is as lucky as I am when it comes to the ladies. For many guys, the second a lady leaves their lives and saddles up to the next man on her hit list, they seethe with jealousy and paranoia, convinced that they're being ridiculed and mocked at every turn. Hell, even if you happen to be the "new guy," you seethe with jealousy and paranoia, convinced that you're being ridiculed and mocked at every turn by the "old guy."

 The "new guy" is worried his girl did unspeakably kinky things with the "old guy," things you can't find on YouPorn, things human traffickers in the Balkans consider inhumane and that she loved every single second of the debauchery. And the "old guy" is worried about the same unspeakably kinky things going on, except he's kicking himself for not being man enough to sack up and commit a few crimes against humanity.

It's a vicious circle and at some point or another, every man, other than me of course, is caught up in it. Take Tom Brady for example.

How does Tom Brady watch The Departed without thinking about Leonardo DiCaprio plowing Gisele? And don't give me the "He's Tom Brady, Super Bowl champ, guy can bang anything with a vagina, he doesn't give a rat's ass about Leonardo" spiel. Tom Brady doesn't worry about a lot of things-- he's loaded, he's a professional athlete, he's got a man-servant and he's already been notified that he'll be canonized shortly after his retirement from the Patriots. But if you don't think he worries about Leonardo sitting next to his buddy at the C's game and cracking up about the time he stinkfingered Gisele at a showing of An Inconvenient Truth with Al Gore sitting right in front of them, you're crazy.

And I don't buy the recent reports of Gisele rating Leonardo a "4" in the bedroom. First of all, she didn't specify what a 4 was out of so already there are some questions about the validity of her rating. But this is classic spin. If you ever doubted that Tom gets paranoid about Leonardo, Gisele's unsolicited rating of Leonardo's boning skills definitively proves otherwise.

 Ryan Phillippe runs around random tracks because he knows as "questionable" as Jake Gyllenaal is that he has to worry about Jake breaking out of his shell and subjecting his wife to unspeakable things. All the time Ryan is running laps and tucking in his gut for US Weekely, he's thinking about Jake motorboating his girl and leaving Lil' Jakies all over her chest.

 I mean, Ryan Phillippe works out. That's his only job-- other people ride in ambulances, trade stocks, stock shelves, do something real-- but Ryan's only job is to stay in shape. And so he does. And yet he can't run laps without thinking about Jake Gyllenhaal dropping Lil' Jake's all over Reese's face.

Same with someone like Tony Romo. No question, Romo has done unspeakable things to Jessica Simpson. But for all her talk, Nick Lachey is sitting back and laughing his ass off. It makes no difference how many barbed wire tattoos Nick has, he's still going to trump Romo on so many things Jessica Simpson. Romo could actually win a NFC Championship Game and he knows that he still could be trying to live up to Lachey's "March to the Sea."

So, if you're concerned about the lady you left or you just got with, just remember that Tom Brady and every other famous guy in this world is dealing with some other guy doing damage to someone's woman. It's the way the world works. For everyone. Other than me. Because I'm the best.

And that makes me smile. It's nice to know guys like Tom Brady is left with someone else's sloppy seconds.