My Buddy From Ghana
The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about Ghana’s 2-1 victory of the U.S. and he commented that “his buddy from Ghana” showed up to work the next day all decked out in full “Ghana gear” - wearing a leather Ghana jacket with multiple Ghana patches all over the sleeves. First of all who’s wearing a leather jacket last week? And second, who has a buddy from Ghana? Well apparently my buddy does. And I found it so odd the way the way “my buddy from Ghana” just casually rolled off his tongue that I’m dedicating an entire article to people’s buddies.
Not necessarily from Ghana -- just buddies that everyone seems to have. For example, “My Buddy Who’s in Jail”, “My Buddy Who Saw the Alien”, “My Buddy Who’s All Into Ireland”…. you get the idea. Hell, the odds of you BEING one of these buddies are probably pretty high. So try and relax. As usual, it’s nothing personal…
Let’s begin.
“My Buddy From Ghana” – Okay, we already went over this one but I just feel like reiterating how unbelievable it was when my friend told me about his buddy from Ghana. I can’t believe it – that’s why it’s so unbelievable. I guess Freddy Edu is from Ghana, but it’s not him. Different buddy from Ghana. Sorry for the delay, onto the next…
“My Buddy Who’s In Jail” – My Buddy Who’s In Jail actually isn’t in jail anymore. (Cue, “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow”) A few years back he ran over some guy in a parking lot in Connecticut; but he got pinched for the same reason ALL the greats get pinched -- tax evasion. I’m not sure how or why your buddy is doing in jail, but MY Buddy in Jail served his time, and you’ll be glad to know he’s now back on the streets with a fresh new license thanks to My Buddy the Lawyer.
“My Yankee Fan Buddy” – Most dudes around here, whether they like it or not, have a friend who’s a Yankee fan. He’s usually the smartest and best-looking guy of all your buddies, and is commonly referred to in conversation as “My Yankee Fan Buddy”. The problem, of course, is he’s a Yankee fan. So you can’t really be THAT good of friends with him. Sure you can talk sports, maybe have a beer or two with the prick, but you have to draw the line. (Apply same logic with Laker, Cowboy, and BC fans as well…)
“My Buddy Who’s All Into Ireland/Italy” – I’d say over 75% of my buddies are of Irish or Italian descent. But I have 2 buddies in particular who I think are just way too into their homelands, a.k.a. countries they weren’t born in; nor were their parents. I’m confused by both, My Buddy Who’s All Into Ireland, AND My Buddy Who’s All Into Italy. What’s with the fascination? Okay, okay, we get it. You really love your non-homeland -- you’ve certainly got the flags and random soccer posters to prove it. But enough is enough. What about learning a little U.S. History instead of memorizing lines from Goodfellas all night? Great movie, sure – but I think the Preamble to the Constitution might be a little more important. USA dude. USA.
“My Buddy Who’s Always Late” – Everyone has a buddy who’s always late. It doesn’t matter what it’s for - softball, poker, bar, work, school, picking up his grandmother at the airport -- the dude’s always behind schedule. You probably know by now, or at least you should, to tell your Buddy Who’s Always Late the start time of an event is approximately 1 hour before the actual start time so there’s a CHANCE he gets there on time. Keep in mind - it’s nothing personal with My Buddy Who’s Always Late. That’s just him.
“My Buddy in Vegas” – Your Buddy in Vegas is probably the most content of all Your Buddies. MY Buddy in Vegas is spending his entire summer remodeling ex-Jet Dedric Ward’s house in between playing poker and banging cocktail waitresses. And he’s always more than accommodating. My Buddy Who’s Driving Cross Country (like the lawyer, didn’t make the cut) stopped in Sin City 2 days ago, and sure enough, My Buddy in Vegas hooked him up with a fine quality massage parlor for he and his fellow weary traveler. Gotta love the Buddy in Vegas…
“My Buddy Who Saw the Alien” – Each group of buddies is only allowed one buddy who can see an alien. Just one. The man swears on his life, despite the heavy, heavy drug use, that an alien was at the foot of his bed in the backwoods of Pennsylvania. At first I didn’t believe him, no one did -- but when you actually hear him tell the story – it’s next to impossible to throw the red flag. (Please tell me everyone has a Buddy Who Saw an Alien – not just me… Yes, a ghost counts too.)
“My Buddy Who Always Takes Shits” – Everyone’s got a buddy who, despite the time, place, or occasion, has no problem whatsoever taking a shit. It could be your new neighbor’s apartment for a Christmas party or The Shadiest Nudie Bar in South Carolina. Where is he? In the bathroom. On the can. Taking a dump. See, I personally could never do that, but not My Buddy Who Always Takes Shits. It just doesn’t matter. He’s fearless when it comes to this stuff. FEARLESS. And in a way, I admire him.
“My Divorced Buddy” – By the time we’re 35, unfortunately all of us are going to have one of these. It’s inevitable. It’s simple math. 1 out of every 4 marriages ends in divorce. (I don’t know, I made that up.) 1 out of every 2 marriages if you’re a celebrity. (That’s a fact.) Right now I don’t have a Divorced Buddy but in 5-10 years I can envision the following conversation: “Yeah Grandma, I’m going to be late picking you up at the airport, My Divorced Buddy wants to stay a little longer at the strip club… I’m sorry but his favorite porn star is here mud wrestling and they picked him to be the ref… No, it’s not Chasey Lain again…” But what are you gonna do? He’s divorced. It sucks, but you kind of have to be there for him because one day, that could be you.
“My Buddy with the Thing on His Face” – This buddy’s one of the nicest guys on the planet… but he’s got this thing on his face. It’s been a mystery for the last 25 years and in all likelihood will remain one until the day he dies. Frankly it’s not that important, My Buddy with the Thing on his Face is one cool guy…
Well that concludes my list of buddies. I don’t know, I’m sure there are plenty more but that’s the best I could come up with for now. My Alcoholic Buddies are calling me… time to hit the bar.