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Barstool Writer Releases Oldest Child 10 year-old son victim of salary cap
In a move that surprised many fans of the Thornton family, head of the household Jerry Thornton today put the older of his two sons on waivers, citing salary cap concerns.
Jerry, who has for several years has claimed Bill Belichick as one of the major influences in his life, stated the Patriots' Head Coach was his inspiration for this stunning move. "With Belichick, it's never personal" he said, "it's always about the bottom line. He let David Givens and Adam Vinatieri go into free agency, and they've both done at least as much for the Pats as my son has done for us. Football is a cold-hearted, bottom line business, and so is running a family."
Sources within the Thornton organization have revealed that the cut is necessary because the union representing Thornton in the latest round of collective bargaining with his bosses have failed to produce the projected salary increase. Thornton and his co-workers were hoping for a bump in pay of at least 15%, but will likely have to settle for 9%. And with that shortfall, cuts have to be made.
As a 10 year veteran of the family, the elder Thornton child was beginning to cost more money against the family salary cap, his father revealed. "I appreciate everything my son has done in the years he's been with our organization" he said, "but the reality is that he was beginning to cost us too large a percentage of our cap space. We have no choice but to release him. But we wish him nothing but the best, wherever he ends up."
When asked about what his son contributed to the family, Thornton said, "Well, first of all, he's always worked hard. He was very coachable in the way he learned to walk, or the way he got toilet-trained. I think he deserves a tremendous amount of credit for the way he's always brushed his teeth, taken a tub , or done his homework without complaining. And I'm tremendously proud of the the way he played for Pop Warner football team. Like I said, this is no reflection on the job he's done, this is just the situation we're faced with."
The older of the two Thornton sons will cost the family significant amounts of money over the next few years. Football was a relative bargain, but he just started playing lacrosse which, between registration and equipment resulted in a $300 hit against the cap. With Little League and Summer Camp sign-ups looming, the family felt it was best to make a clean break now.
Many close to the family have acknowledged that the boy will be difficult to replace. He had his best year as a Thornton, and was coming into his own as a significant contributor. He was making his bed on a regular basis, and many observers felt he was very close to doing chores around the yard and in the house.
As for replacements, the family will most likely look at some low-cost veteran children released by other parents once the current round of labor negotiations is settled. Another alternative is for Mr. & Mrs. Thornton to make some more children. Although with Mr. Thornton's recent vasectomy and the family's need for someone who can step in and continue right away, that is unlikely.
Some people with ties to the family feel that his four year-old brother has been held back in his development, and that with the proper parenting, he could step up and fill the void left by the veteran Thornton boy.
A source within the Thornton organization, who asked not to be named, reacted to the loss of the elder child this way, "He went bye-bye. Can I watch 'Dora the Explorer' now?"