Boston: World Class or Second Rate?

(Editor’s Note: If you hate this article don’t hammer El Presidente with emails. I didn’t write it! Chisholm did. Hammer him.)

My friend, O’Dea, formerly of Manhattan and currently starring in a one-man burlesque show in San Francisco, has unmercifully derided Boston as a second-rate city since he first set foot in the Big Easy on a Saturday night. Every time he would grace Boston with his exalted presence, ordinary nuisances and mild inconveniences set off a tirade. No cabs waiting for him outside of the bar and the whine would begin- “Boston’s a second-rate city.” Last call at 1:30- “Second-rate city.” Cheesy Boston guy in cuffed jeans arguing sports-“Second-rate city.” Round of beers for under $40- “Second-rate.”

Now that O’Dea is firmly ensconced on the west coast I rarely have to defend my city anymore, particularly with Boston’s championship pedigree. But the claim lingers: Is Boston a world class city or are we living in a second-rate burg with little more to offer than the Sox, Pats and Freedom Trail?
Before I tackle whether or not Boston is a world class city, I think that it would help if I explained what I meant by “world class.” First, it has to be a city. Austin, Savannah, and Charleston are great but they are not really cities. I’m talking cities in the sprawling sense- not big towns. It doesn’t matter whether or not the city’s population is a miserable, horrific collection of humanity. Hence, New York and Paris make the cut. Weather isn’t really a major factor so Chicago and London get the nod. Basically, the simplest way to figure out whether or not a city is world class is to answer this simple question: If you had an income that would allow you to enjoy everything the city offered and live in a great home, would you hypothetically move there tomorrow?

As far as I’m concerned here are the cities, in no particular order, that make my cut: New York, Chicago, London, Barcelona, Paris, Los Angeles, Honolulu, Tokyo and Rome. Nine cities. In the entire world, all I could think of was nine cities that I would move to if my criteria were met.

Certainly, there are areas where Boston is world-class. Inundated with universities, Boston is America’s undisputed leader in education. From those bastions of academia flow our unrivaled medical and research facilities. Unfortunately, that’s about all the areas in which Boston is unquestionably world class. Which is awesome if you are a critically ill dork.

But no one beyond parents on a college tour care that there are a dozen excellent hospitals a short ambulance ride from most of the city’s campuses. What matters to us, people who still are upright, legally able to drink and selling our kidneys to pay to live in the city, are the critical elements that make a city more than simply livable. I’m not worried about tax rates, grammar schools or the water quality.

Can I get from one end of the city to the other, a distance of about 5 miles, in under an hour on public transportation? Can I expect to go out on a Saturday night and actually feel that the place is any better than sitting on my couch with a six-pack? Can I find a diversity of activities without having to renew my passport? Can I find a parking space? Can I expect to die a horrific death simply driving through the Big Dig tunnels? Can I defend my city to a guy who once seduced a retarded girl at Shaboom’s in Worcester?

It’s hard not to be optimistic about Boston just as the spring is blooming, especially with the World Champion Red Sox providing an extra boost. But we all know that there are problems that hold Boston back from being mentioned in the same breath as the nine cities I mentioned earlier.

Here are the biggest obstacles Boston faces to joining my list:

1. Transportation- The introduction of the Night Owl service was the T’s first olive branch to people who don’t tucker out after CSI. So, of course, Night Owl service is slated to be axed from the T’s budget in 2006. Sweet. It’s ridiculous that public transportation in Boston shuts down while the public is still out and about in the city. I understand that the T has major financial problems that it is only just beginning to get out from under. The T’s fares are ridiculously low compared to some other major metropolitan areas but still, shouldn’t you be able to take the train after you leave a bar?
And more importantly, shouldn’t the T actually go to where the people are? Even with some reduced stops, the Green Line’s B line still stops every 50-feet. But if you live in Mattapan, Roxbury, Dorchester, Somerville, Medford or anywhere not named Cambridge you need a Sherpa to guide you to the closest T stop. In a city as dense as Boston, that’s just amateur.

2. Exclusivity- I should not get into every bar in Boston. At this point in my “going out” career, I’m mailing it in. I can’t be bothered to put on a pair of shoes. My leather jacket is collecting dust in the far reaches of my closest. I’m the Kurt Warner of nightlife- overhyped and overweight.
But yet, there isn’t a bar in Boston that I can’t get into. Sure, on some levels that’s great- everyone is equal. But equality sucks in nightlife. I want to be in a place that actually seems to have some exclusivity. Not every night. There are nights when I have no interest in taking a shower, when I’m throwing on a baseball hat and going wherever the beer is cheap.
But when the mood strikes and I want to actually be able to sit down at a bar and not worry about the guy behind me sucker-punching my girlfriend, it doesn’t help that Boston has few if any places that actually turn people away.

3. Good Will Hunting- Matt and Ben have screwed us. Loved the movie, hate that everyone outside of New England thinks that all of Boston is filled with janitor savants and day laborer jokesters. The Good Will Hunting effect is only reinforced by the Red Sox effect. The image of Boston throughout the country is a joke. Either we’re a guy from Southie looking to beat up Harvard students (and some of our most loyal readers are) or we’re a bunch of obsessed Sox fans. With Southie gentrifying as quickly as the developers can kick the old ladies out of their apartments and the Red Sox the Champions of the World, our public persona no longer fits and keeps people from giving us a chance to be anything else.

4. Cabs- The cabbies in Boston suck ass. When not planning to bring down Air Force One with a stolen stealth fighter, these guys seem to have emigrated here yesterday. I love immigrants. Love ‘em. Have nothing against immigrants but I hate cab drivers who try to convince me that the quickest way from the airport to my apartment is via Marblehead because they have absolutely no idea where they are going. Why can’t Boston cabbies take their jobs half as seriously as London taxi drivers? London cabbies go through a year long apprenticeship before getting licensed. Hell, if Boston drivers went through a three week apprenticeship, it would make a difference.

5. We are suspicious of anyone who doesn’t know how to get to Kelly’s- Let’s be honest, we’re rude to visitors. I am. I verbally abuse tourists who have the audacity to walk at anything less than a dead sprint. I heckle hicks from out of town who don’t know that you can take a left on red onto a one-way street. I shove aside window shoppers and glare at drivers who stop for people in crosswalks.

6. SuperFans