Boston: Home of Quasi-Legal Rioting since 2004

I live in Boston and I'm not allowed to put my trash out before 6 AM on the morning it's picked up. Some guy who washed out of The Meter Maid Academy walks around my neighborhood and passes judgment on those of us who spit in the eye of God and put our trash out at midnight. On September 1^st, I ran into him and saw he was close to calling in an air strike because one of my neighbors, with utter disregard for the laws and regulations of our fair city, had left a pile of random trash and household items from his move-out the day before.

 I didn't want to get fined so, in a very jovial, "I think Howie Carr has you all wrong" type of way, told this Trash Inspector that the pile of trash definitely didn't come from my building.

From the hateful look this guy gave me in response to my innocent remark, you would have thought I had just walked into his mother's wake, opened the casket, pulled down her dress and motorboated her rigored boobies. Looking into this Trash Inspector's eyes, I had no doubt that he planned to track down my neighbor who put his trash out early and brutally murder him and his entire family. After he wrote up about 20 trash fines and killed me.

So, if I can get a fine in this city for putting my garbage out too early on trash day, how come every time the Red Sox or Patriots win a championship, rioting gets a free pass?

37 people were arrested in Boston after the Sox finished their sweep of the Rockies. 37? Is there some sort of secret clause in Boston's charter that allows rioting after a professional sports championship? How do thousands of people disturb the peace, break shit and generally act like douchebags and only 37 end up in cuffs? Does the Boston police only have 37 pairs of handcuffs?

My attitude towards rioting is simple: If you want to riot, go right ahead but you better be able to outrun police dogs and dodge rubber bullets. That seems to be the law in the rest of the country but for some reason Boston has determined that rioters have some sort of right to take over large swaths of the city, destroy city and personal property and cost the city millions of dollars in clean-up fees and police overtime.

Screw that. There's no such thing as JV Rioting. Either step up, be a man and go one-on-one with the cops or go back your apartment, sit on your couch and play Halo 3. I'm so sick and tired of these Rioter Wannabe's who hang on the outskirts of the riot, swell the crowd and keep the police and their batons from keeping their standing appointment with the rioters' skulls.

 If a bar attempts to stay open past 2 AM, the city acts like the place is going to turn into a Red Bull and vodka-fueled Al Qaeda terrorist training camp. So instead we block access to the bars and their walls and doors and let thousands of kids roam free and pretty much do whatever the fuck they want. Seems to make perfect sense.

What college kid or post-college loser wouldn't take advantage of a policy like that? If you're a college kid in Boston and you're not rioting, you're an idiot. The city basically rolls out the red carpet. They shut down traffic so you're able to stagger and throw bottles without fear of getting mowed down by oncoming cars. They keep the MBTA running later so you can get back to campus after you're done breaking windows. And they give you a solid four hours to riot which as any experienced rioter will tell you is just the right amount of time for maximum rioting enjoyment.

I don't blame the cops. The order has obviously come down from above that they're supposed to let the rioters be unless they set a fire, climb a pole or put their trash out early. Which is great because I'm sure the millions the city shelled out after Game 4 couldn't have been used for a better purpose than letting fucktards march down Beacon Street. I mean, what else could the Boston Police do with a few million bucks than babysit a bunch of pussy, wannabe rioters?

 Maybe the families in Roxbury and Dorchester should throw a Red Sox World Series riot every night. It could start once school gets out and the kids start walking home and it could end in the morning after the kids go back to school. Instead of spending good money to keep preppy, white, rich, entitled self-deluded morons (and I'm a preppy, white, entitled moron) safe from their own stupidity, the police could keep some people who are actually from Boston and live and work here safe. It's a novel fucking concept, I know.

 I mean, it would be nice to make sure that good Boston kids sitting on their front porch aren't getting gunned down by scumbags but then what would happen to Cunty McCunt and all his buddies who just want to go out and riot because the Red Sox won and their professor is totally going to call off class the next day? Protect rioters or keep little kids from getting shot? That's a tough one. It would be nice to keep little kids alive but who wants to listen to Cunty McCunt's mother complain because her son twisted an ankle when he kicked a police horse?

Here's my simple 10 Point solution to our city's rioting problem so Boston is prepared this Sunday when the Patriots beat the Colts 84-3 and the NFL decides to forgo the farce of a regular season and playoffs and names the Patriots the Super Bowl champs.

1. Keep the bars open to 3 AM.
2. Require any college or university likely to have a significant number of students out and about to provide shuttle bus service to and from a central location on campus to Kenmore Square, Faneuil Hall, Allston-Brighton and wherever else college kids go to get drunk enough to think that their generation is special. Have a cop and college administrator on each bus. Only allow students over 21 on the bus. See that group of kids walking? It's a safe bet that a few of them are underage and hammered.
3. Do not shut down any streets, other than maybe Landsdowne. Keep traffic flowing so that it's harder for the wannabe rioters to congregate.
4. Inform every college and university that for every one of their students arrested, they will be billed for the cost of every cop, EMT, court clerk, etc. who had to deal with the student. Encourage them to pass that expense onto the rioters' parents.
5. Arrest shitloads of rioters.
6. Stop trapping residents in their neighborhoods and keeping them out once it's been decided that it's rioting time in Boston. Encourage residents to report any neighbors rioting. Track down the rioters' landlords and help them throw their former tenants' shit out the window.
7. Enough with the dogs, horses and helicopters. You make it look like a riot and they'll follow the script. And besides, if you don't let hundreds of people congregate on abandoned city streets, you probably don't need the horses and riot gear anyways.
8. Bump the monetary fine for being arrested for rioting after a sporting event to $10,000. See how many kids are climbing poles then.
9. Require any student found guilty of rioting to serve 200 hours of community service. One year after their college graduation.
10. Stop letting people fucking riot.

Enough of this quasi-legal rioting. When I'm watching the Sox win in 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011, I don't want to be worrying that my street has been designated  "Rioting-Friendly" by the city. I want the Sox to dominate and I want college kids and post-college pseudo-adults to do what they should be doing- getting alcohol poisoning, waiting at a 24-hour pharmacy for RU-486, trying to talk their girlfriend into anal and dying of alcohol poisoning. That's how you celebrate championships- booze, anal and unplanned pregnancies.

Rioting is for pussies. It's so last century. It's so Yankees. Terminating unplanned pregnancies is how all the cool kids are celebrating championships in the 21^st Century.

Pete Powers