Big Baby Davis and Boston’s Beloved Fat Athlete List
The Boston Celtics have locked up one of their key players as they have signed Glen “Big Baby” Davis with a two year contract extension. Davis signed a two year contract worth six million dollars. He was reportedly offered a three year contract, but decided to turn down the third year so he could become an unrestricted free agent after the 2010-2011 NBA season.
This is great news for Big Baby and the Celtics. Davis might have hoped for more money and a longer term deal, but by staying put in Boston, he has a chance to get something money can’t buy: Folk hero status. Boston might be a tough city to play in, and a lot of guys can’t take the pressure. But if there’s one thing we’re partial to, it’s fat guys. If you’re a fatty with a modicum of talent and an sliver of personality, you have the chance to be beloved in this town like in no other pro sports city in America. Boston loves fat guys. We’re fat. All our media guys are fat. Our cops are fat. We elect fat mayors, fat congressmen and a fat senator. If a Bostonian had been on Oceanic Flight 815, I can guarantee you he’d hate Jack, tell Locke to go F-himself, punch Sawyer’s lights out and hang out with Hurley. If famous fat Hall of Famers like Kirby Puckett, Tony Gwynn or Charles Barkley had played here, we’d be naming massive public works boondoggles after them. Big Baby Davis has already made himself a fan favorite just by playing above the expectations of a 2nd round pick, winning a title, and hitting a few clutch shots. If he can keep it up, cash in with a long term deal when this contract is up and have a long career in Boston, he can earn a spot on his list of Most Beloved Fat Boston Pro Sports Heroes (ranked by a complex formula judging them on their fatness, how long and productive their Boston careers were and how beloved they were):
10. Sam Horn
No one ever turned a big gut and a half a season of productivity into cult hero status the way Horn did. Unfortunately AL pitchers discovered a hole in his swing bigger than the one he shoveled Suzy Q’s into and it was all over for him. Though his name lives on in legend.
Fat Rating: 7. Performance Quotient: 2. Total Popularity: 8. = Fat Guy Loveability Index: 17.
9. George Scott
The Boomer was your classic feast or famine hitter of the ‘60s and ‘70s. He’d hit a shot over the light towers or strike out. He’d be unstoppable for 3 weeks followed by a month where he couldn’t hit the ball out of his considerable shadow. But he was surprisingly nimble and until Kevin Youkilis’ perfect season, was probably the best First Baseman in Sox history. He was also an affable, upbeat character and a fan favorite on some of the Sox infamous “25 players/ 25 cabs” teams.
Fat: 8. Performance: 5. Popularity: 6. FGLI: 19.
8. Rich Garces
El Guapo was beloved way in excess to how good he actually was, and there’s one reason for it: His girth. Not that he was a bad pitcher; he was actually a pretty dependable bridge guy for a number of years. But then again so was Tony Fossas and no one cared about him. You loved Garces not for his pitching but because he looked like Chuy from Chelsea Handler or a slightly taller version of the kid who couldn’t speak English on “The Bad News Bears.”
Fat: 8. Performance: 5. Popularity: 7. FGLI: 20.
7. Ted Washington
The only reason Mt. Washington isn’t higher on this list is because he was only here for such a short time. But he made the most of it. As a 2-down, 2-gap Nose Tackle in the 3-4 defense, he was without peer. His famous stop on 4th & inches in Indianapolis on the last play of the game (the play in which Willie McGinest made the tackle and got all the credit but it was Ted who made the play) sealed home field advantage throughout the playoffs for the Pats. They then routed Indy at home in the AFCCG, and they have Washington’s Immovable Objectibleness to thank for it.
Fat: 10. Performance: 6. Popularity: 5. FGLI: 21.
6. Mo Vaughn
For a while there, Mo was second only to Nomar as the face of the Sox franchise. He was everything we like in a guy: Bright, articulate, productive, and willing to mix it up with anyone who’d mess with his teammates. And best of all, Mo liked the same things we all do: booze, fattening foods and strippers. Also money. Unfortunately the last four things, along with his miserable performances in the playoffs (7 career post season games with the Sox, 6 in which he didn’t drive in a run), turned the media and management against him and he left. And like so many guys who leave Boston, he was never the same player. In southern California, they’re not as partial to big tubs of lard as we are.
Fat: 8. Performance: 7. Popularity: 6. FGLI: 21.
5. Gerry Cheevers
Cheesie wasn’t the fattest guy in the world, but by no means was he an “athlete” either. Cheevers smoked, drank and lived at the racetrack. He was also according to no less an authority than Don Cherry, the one guy you’d want between the pipes in a game you absolutely had to win. He’s also the first athlete I ever loved as a kid and my Irish Rose is still to this day trying to accept all the “Stitch Mask” memorabilia I have in the sports den.
Fat: 6. Performance: 8. Popularity: 8. FGLI: 22.
4. Vince Wilfork
VW is the ultimate rarity. A walking contradiction. A big fat guy who’s agile. Someone with Ted Washington’s ability to control the gaps on both sides of the center but quick and nimble enough to rush the passer. And a U of Miami player who’s a decent, thoughtful, team-first citizen. It’s a miracle that he dropped to the Pats at the 21st pick, and hopefully they and he can work out an extension so we can see him finish his career here. We certainly don’t have to worry about him getting fat and out-of-shape.
Fat: 9. Performance: 7. Popularity: 7. FGLI: 23.
3. Curt Schilling
Again, not the fattest guy in the world. And his popularity suffered because of his locquatious, smartest-guy-in-the-room demeanor. Because as a general rule, loveable fatties are supposed to be humble and jolly. But there’s no arguing his performance rating. The only fat guy who delivered on his promises like Schilling did has a long white beard.
Fat: 7. Performance: 9. Popularity: 8. FGLI: 24.
2. Luis Tiant
One of the most beloved figures in the history of Boston, sports or otherwise. He was clutch, colorful and dripped charisma like he dripped sweat off his neck during a 170-pitch performance in August. Today he runs the most popular stand at Fenway, selling sausages and Cuban sandwiches, thus passing the obesity torch to a new generation.
Fat: 8. Performance: 9. Popularity: 9. FGLI: 26.
1. David Ortiz
In his book, Papi said he’s not that fat. That people see him out of uniform are stunned to find out he’s big and muscular. But who are we going to believe, Papi or our lying eyes? Besides, even if he’s not technically fat, he’s jovial and happy and lovable; he’s got the soul of a fat guy.
Fat: 8. Performance: 9. Popularity: 10. FGLI: 27.
[Honorable mentions who didn't make the list: Carlton Fisk ("Pudge" was just a nickname), David Wells (didn't do anything here and nobody really liked him), Rod Beck (loved him but didn't do anything either), late Red Sox career Roger Clemens (over my dead body), Rich Gedman (just missed the cut), Bill Parcells (had to keep the list to just ballplayers otherwise for sure).]
Got anybody I missed? Want to tell me how someone doesn’t belong? Want to quibble with my math? Then email me at jerry@barstoolsports.com and I will delete your message unread get back to you ASAP.