In the murky depths of the dance floor are men caught adrift in a sea of fashion foolishness. In the middle of the room they stand… the lights glistening off their Pomade-riddled hair. They wear shirts three sizes too small for their fat-free, narcissistic physiques.

They’re horny. They’re hunting. They are the Smediums.

“What’s a Smedium?” you ask. My friend Freddy introduced the Smedium to me a few years ago. We were out drinking and a kid he grew up with walked into the bar donning a shirt undersized for even an eight-year-old. We looked at him in amazement. Then Freddy said, “That’s an attractive Smedium you’re wearing for the ladies.” His friend had no clue what he was talking about and neither did I. Freddy explained, “You know, a Smedium. Not a small, not a medium, but on an extra-large body. A Smedium.”

To put it in layman’s terms, a Smedium is a guy that’s wearing a shirt that’s way too tight. They even made a fabric for Smediums. Lycra. A buddy of mine wears his Lycra shirt behind the bar and I call him on it all the time. “Come on Tony. It’s Lycra,” he pleads. No. It’s not Lycra. It’s fucking Spandex. Lycra is the name some marketing schmoe came up with so guys who wear it won’t feel like pussies. My buddy’s a jackass.

Alas, I digress. Naming the tight-shirted buffoons struck me as a milestone. I’ve seen Smediums for years yet never paid any attention. I’m sure you’ve seen the Smedium, too. From Boston to Metro West, North Shore to South Shore, this tight-shirted pretty-boy is on the prowl looking for the easy lay.

Though there are exceptions, I find most Smediums hang out in dance clubs and other such venues. And, seeing as how I work in such an atmosphere, I began taking a closer look at my surroundings and conducted an in-depth study of these peculiar creatures. I easily weaved my way into the Smedium’s nocturnal lair unnoticed. This was important because, as any wildlife researcher will tell you, you’ve got to go undetected to honestly evaluate any animal. I never realized just how many Smediums existed until I started my research project. They roam the floors of a given nightspot incessantly looking for the kill – women who have had too much to drink and have let down their guard.

I’ve discovered the Smedium’s primary goal: achieve the “look,” that style that makes a Smedium a Smedium. When identifying “Smedial Fashion” one must understand that not all men in tight clothes are Smediums. No, no. The Smedium is a unique creature that must be carefully scrutinized.

Smedial characteristics:

Sleeve length and overall circumference.

Tight sleeves are easily the most recognizable of all Smedial traits. Generally speaking, men’s short sleeved shirts are designed to stop somewhere between the mid to lower biceps. If the gentleman in question is sporting a sleeve that covers less than half the biceps, or worse rides just under the armpit to squeeze the biceps for larger muscular appearance, chances are you’ve spotted a Smedium. Sleeves are often so tight that a purplish skin tone appears because of blood constriction. Veins too will appear and will seem constrained. If it looks like the sleeve is cutting off blood circulation, tell the ladies to run and hide. He’s a Smedium.

Tightness of the Chest

A bulging chest is also a good indicator. But the chest must be tightly wrapped a shirt that’s painfully undersized. Telltale signs are stretched fabric or buttons that look like they could pop off at any moment. I often advise ladies to try and sneak a peek at the shirt’s size tag. If the tag is at least two sizes too small for what is deemed to be reasonable and proper, you’ve got yourself a Smedium.

Nipple Protrusion

It’s a fine sign that the shirt in question is much too small if nipples are seen through the shirt. This is especially true during the summer months, as the Smedium can’t claim hardening via arctic chill.

The Wife-Beater

As if one tight shirt isn’t enough, the Smedium will often wear a tank undershirt beneath his already skin-tight garb. This is done in an attempt to make his shoulders and torso appear larger. Spotting the guy employing this Smedial standard is easy and no female in the room should doubt his intentions.

The Laugh

Let’s face it. Ladies aren’t always trying to be funny when they first meet someone in a bar. The Smedium always overlooks this fact in his feeble attempt at wit and charm. Echoes of fake laughter are a dead giveaway of Smedial attack. Like a wild Antelope takes flight at the sound of a lion’s roar, so too should every woman who hears the Smedium’s bogus howl.

Playing Touchy-Feely

A gentle touch of the hand; a quick brush-up against the girl as she walks by—a Smedium will do whatever it takes for his prey to realize he’s a rock-solid piece of man meat. And the unprepared leave themselves wide open for further assaults. By allowing “innocent” contact at first, ladies soon find themselves attacked by a barrage of grinding, rubbing, and ass grabbing. I advise all women be aware of such tactics and take serious precautionary measures. Most ladies form tight circles to ward off such attacks.

I think it’s important that regular guys and women alike memorize the characteristics I’ve defined for use in Smedial defense. But there’s more to know. Implementing tactics first adopted by wolves, Smediums form packs and literally surround their prey. Just remember this rule of thumb: where there’s one, there’s many.

I’ve classified the Smedium into five distinctive packs:

Euro-Smediums.

Their t-shirts read Armani Exchange or something of the like. The sleeves are even shorter than those found on average two-armed, two-legged Smediums. Their skin is so tan they look like a beaten suede luggage collection. Often times it’s difficult to determine whether these guys are gay or straight. This tactic is used to confuse women so they’ll let down their guard, as gay guys are always welcomed into the ladies’ inner sanctum.

Old Man Smediums

A sad pack indeed. These guys had a heyday during the Reagan administration. Many have thin hair, only to cut it short and pile on the hair gel. Don’t be surprised to find a toupee or two mixed into the crowd. They will try to confuse their prey with gold chains and watches – anything to take attention away from their wrinkles. (Little does this pack realize: if they couldn’t get any action back in the day, they’re not gonna get any now.)

Collegiate Smediums

The Collegiate Smedium pack is a funny one to watch. Talk about trying too hard, these guys are so horny they’ll bang anyone… no matter the social embarrassment that may follow. Collegiate Smediums are usually found in worn out shirts typically three to four years out of style. Look for long-sleeved button-downs with paisley patterns or something made of window curtains. Watch for these guys to whip out daddy’s credit card around 11:30 p.m., ‘cause they’ve done run out of cash for the week. What’s worse, they may start paying for drinks in loose change.

White-trash Smediums

These guys figure it’s acceptable to wear only the previously mentioned wife-beater at the club. While they may wear a designer tank, it’s usually an old standby—the classic white. These guys try to pretend the club’s too hot for normal Smedial attire. They’ll sweat, complain about the temperature, and keep toweling themselves with cocktail napkins (while flexing the entire upper body, of course.) But don’t be fooled. These guys are trash through and through. They resemble that tacky fuck Britney Spears married, but bigger of course.

‘Roid Smediums

Rulers of all things Smedial. Their physical size is outmatched only by their narcissism. They spend hours at the gym, though not necessarily working-out. More often they’re seen engaged in strut practice during the daylight gym hours (apparently strut perfection takes a while to achieve).  This pack often shops the Junior’s section at Filenes Basement to find just the right fit. 

As with any species, evolution will eventually make its mark. The packs will start to intermingle and new packs will form. For instance, it is already common to see Collegiate-‘Roid Smediums and White-trash Old Man Smediums. With intermingling already commonplace, ladies must be extra careful. 

THE ACCESSORIES

Lastly, we mustn’t forget Smedial accoutrement; items that make the Smedium that much more “desirable.”

Sun Glasses

Let me set the scene. It’s 11:30 p.m. The sun set hours ago. And a Smedium walks into the club wearing shades. One word cannot describe such a tool. It was, however, said best on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. “There are only two types of people that wear sunglasses indoors: blind people and assholes.” None of the Smediums I’ve encountered used a guide dog. That sums it up for me.

Tight Jeans

Well, I suppose it only makes sense. As tight shirts highlight large upper-body manliness, so, too, are tight pants intended to show off larger lower body muscles. I’m not going to delve much deeper into this one because I’m grossing myself out. You know the muscles I’m talking about.

Feminine Colors

The summer months mean festive colors for sure. But, for the love of God, men shouldn’t wear lime green. Ok, I did the fluorescent Vuarnet France thing. But that was the 1980’s for Christ’s sake. None of us knew what the fuck we were doing back then. Pinks are my favorite to laugh at… and the ladies I’ve talked to agree. One night last summer a Collegiate Smedium was wearing white Captain Stubing pants and sandals along with his pink polo shirt. I’d asked him if he’d brought Isaac along. He didn’t get it. (Younger Smediums aren’t familiar with The Love Boat or most other 80’s TV shows.) The guys with me behind the bar argued if he looked more like Crockett or Tubbs. My point is this: if a guy lives in Miami on a boat and spends his free time feeding a pet alligator, he can wear as much florescence as he deems fit. The rest of these guys need to stop.

Jesus Slippers

Hey, I wear sandals. Just not in nightclubs. If Jesus benched 450 lbs. in his prime the Smediums might have an in on this one. But he died for our sins instead. Cut the shit, boys.

Shorts

Many Smediums take such pride in their upper bodies that they neglect to address what has become an alarming trend in realm of Smedia: their bony legs. For some reason ladies find a guy with a gorilla’s chest and a chicken’s legs humorous. Go figure. Time to cover ‘em up, boys.

Conclusion

With my study complete, the people I work with and many of my regulars identify the Smedium with unprecedented accuracy. I am proud indeed. And while some say the flaw in my study is the money factor (duh… chicks dig guys with cash), I say most guys with cash don’t dress like Smediums because they can afford real clothes. It’s the poor man who dresses like a Smedium to hide his lack of cash… or personality for that matter.

But the real question at hand is “Why do Smediums dress the way they do?” The answer is simple.  Smediums do it because it works. Some women -  the naïve, the immature -  fall for their bullshit.

So we as normal men must take a stand. We must show our female friends and relatives the ways of the Smedium. Having them read this article is a good start.

Ultimately women control the Smedium’s destiny. So, ladies, if you want the Smediums to die off you have only one option. Stop fucking them.