Best Man Toast 101: Keep It Short Dude

Best Man Toast 101: Keep It Short Dude

Ever since I killed, KILLED, giving my first Best Man Toast three months ago, I find I’m turning into Simon Cowell in my criticism of other guy’s speeches.

“Absolutely dreadful.”

“Disgusting.”

“The worst speech I’ve ever heard in my life.”

These are just SOME of the quips I’ve been making of late. (Yes, in a British accent).

But the fact is, like Simon, I’ve been right. For whatever reason this summer, I’ve seen dudes fall on their faces harder than a fat guy at the end of a marathon.

What’s going on around here? Someone needs to stop the madness soon, before the fall wedding season begins, and I’ve decided that man will be me.

So today I will be providing a few tips on how to deliver a Best Man Toast that doesn’t suck. I’m not saying it has to be great, or even good. My number one objective here is to ensure that no reader of Barstool Sports completely tanks and unnecessarily brings a screeching halt to The Happy Couple’s once-in-a-lifetime (we hope) festivities that day.

Tip #1 is to keep the freakin’ speech UNDER 5 minutes. Actually, somewhere around 2 minutes, 19 seconds is my recommendation. Approximately.

The last wedding I attended the god damn guy was up there doing play-by-play of freshman year flip-cup matches for no less than 10 minutes! TEN MINUTES!! Russian roulette games were breaking out all over the reception hall. Nooses were being passed out with the first course. Forks were actually deemed “unusable for dinner” from being jammed into everyone’s foreheads. Hell, I was ready to take my napkin and chuck it in the center of the dance floor like a boxing manager whose fighter is getting pummeled.

It was brutal.

Remember, people’s attention spans just ain’t what they use to be. Frankly, I’m impressed you’re still reading this article.

Also keep in mind, unless its Jerry Seinfeld or Jose Canseco, no one goes to a wedding and says, “Gee, can’t wait for that Best Man Speech!” So Best Man - just say what you’ve got to say in a reasonable amount of time (2:19) so everyone can get on with their Rum and Cokes, filet mignon, and more importantly, the rest of their lives.

Tip #2 – Thank everyone at the beginning. Father of the bride, mother of the bride, friends, relatives, Mr. Tux. Hell I even thanked a horse. My speech was in Long Island the day after the Belmont and I decided to thank none other than Afleet Alex for the few extra bucks he put in many of the guest’s pockets at the OTB on Saturday. Trust me, it can’t hurt. Forgetting to thank people, and I’ve seen it, is a cardinal sin that you must NOT, under any circumstances commit.

And besides being polite and respectful, the excess gratitude will not only butter up the crowd in case things go south, but will also demonstrate to the single bridesmaids that you’re a caring, appreciative guy….who just so happens to have his own room with free HBO, no hot water, and two and a half beers still left in the fridge! And that can’t hurt either…

Tip #3 is to avoid mentioning any illegal activities the groom may or may not have participated in throughout his college career. Sound obvious? Think again.

In a classic “pass the noose, please” speech from 2001, a nameless buddy of mine proceeded to share with all 250 people in attendance details of how he and the groom made fake ID’s in their dorm room sophomore year. Not good. Repeat – NOT GOOD.

I’d also refrain from bringing up stories of the groom’s sexual escapades or “heavy drug-use phase”.

Listen, when only 3 out of the 250 people in the crowd start laughing that can’t be a positive sign. I’m no Bill James, but that’s like a really really low percentage.

So again, tip #3 - to prevent mass suicide, hold off on tales best reserved for the bachelor party, divorce party, or E!’s: “True Hollywood Story”.

Tip #4 may surprise you, but it’s to not get too hammered.

I was nervous as Drew Bledsoe in a collapsing pocket before my speech, and since the ceremony and reception were at the same place, I opted to hit the open bar WAY too early and WAY too aggressively in order to “prepare”. Fortunately for me though, the defrocked priest in charge of the proceedings literally made the entire wedding party put down their drinks because according to him, our gross intoxication could “negate the marriage”.

I never heard of this rule in my life but luckily I obeyed it that day. And after a few deep breaths, a gallon of water and a marriage, I was in adequate enough shape to deliver the speech.

Looking back, if that defrocked priest wasn’t a stickler for New York State law, I probably would’ve given a worse performance than Carl Lewis singing the National Anthem. So the 4th and final tip in preventing your Best Man Toast from sucking is not to get overly tanked. There will be plenty of time for that later when you’re dancing miles from the beat, “arms akimbo” in the middle of a circle full of strangers to KC and the Sunshine Band.

So that’s all we have for today. It’s a short class, I know. That’s why its 101. In the 201 class we’ll go into more advanced techniques such as your “laughs to tears ratio”, how to compliment the bride without people getting the wrong idea, and whether or not to choreograph a rimshot with the drummer after your opening one-liner. (“Ba dum-bum CRASH!”)

But for now, I’m hoping the tips outlined above will suffice in ensuring you don’t completely embarrass yourself on camera in front of hundreds of people.

So be smart, good luck, and remember – PLEASE, keep it short.