Behind Enemy Lines: A Yankees Fan Living in Boston

So if you’re a Red Sox fan—as I can only assume 95% of Barstool’s readership is—you probably hate me already. I know you think I’m a baby-slapper, a nun-puncher. You think I’d kick His Holiness in the man-tackle if he came out of his pope-mobile. You treat me like I have carnal knowledge of your girlfriend and your sister. Like I co-founded the Taliban with Jimmy Fallon and invented the Ebola virus.

When you see me on the street, you look at me like you’re Jack Bauer and I’m withholding information.

And I’ve seen that look almost as many times as I’ve heard your ignorant “Yankees Suck” chant. Seriously, that has to be the worst chant in all of sports, because:

1. With eight straight first place AL-East finishes (soon to be nine) the Yankees clearly do not suck.
2. You chant it when the Sox are playing the A’s.

But I can tolerate that. I can tolerate the battery I caught in the shoulder when I wore my A-Rod shirt in the bleachers in April of ‘04, just so I could rub some salt in your wounds—I’m assuming the assassin was going for my head and missed. (As an aside, who brings batteries to a baseball game? Solely as ammunition? Or did someone see me and get so mad that they ripped the batteries out of their walkman just to peg me in the head? Who does that?)

You’re the reason I don’t wear Yankees hats to games. Because you don’t bring your pet duck when you go duck-hunting.

But you know what? We’re not all that different, you and I. In fact, I’m going to tell you ten things we have in common.

1. We both can’t stand Alex Rodriguez.

You, because you think he’s a pompous bitch who tries to act modest but is horrible at it, and because he makes so much money, and because he will be the Greatest Baseball Player of All Time before he’s done, and you’re probably still ticked that the Sox wouldn’t pony up the money to get him, even if you won’t admit it; I can’t stand him because of two simple phrases: “two on and two out” and “playoff performance.”

2. We both hate Johnny Damon.

You, because he’s a traitor to your cause now that he plays for the Evil Empire (Honestly, raise your hand if you thought for a minute he would actually take less money to stay in Boston. Good, all naive idiots keep their hands up.); I hate him because not only is he the icon of your 2004 World Championship and a constant reminder of the Greatest Postseason Collapse of All-Time, but his Jesus getup was so obnoxious it did, in fact, make me want to punch nuns. And now I have to root for that SOB. Wonderful.

3. We both hate Roger Clemens.

You, because The Rocket went on to win about 13 Cy Youngs after he was in the “twilight of his career.”; Me, because I thought retirement meant you actually stopped playing and started draining your 401K.

4. We both wish Curt Schilling would just shut the hell up.

You, because after he put on a God-like performance in the 2004 playoffs, he actually went on to believe that he was God—or at least some kind of Highlander; Me, because he has yet to cure cancer, solve the national debt, and negotiate peace in the Middle East like he promised.

5. We both love Fenway Park.

In my online column (billbeard.blogspot.com) I wrote the following comparing Fenway to Yankee Stadium after making a few trips to the Bronx last year:

“The Green Monster, Death Valley in center, the .406 club, how the seats in right field face left field, the Right Field Roof Deck, being able to see into the bullpen from just about anywhere, the way the right field fence boosts Johnny Damon’s ego… versus a very well-thought-out horseshoe design, the Short Porch, three even tiers, the white fencing high in center that gives The Stadium its signature look. The only thing that makes this close is Monument Park. There's a lot to be said for originality.”

That’s why I love Fenway. That, and the fact that you probably won’t get shot trying to go to Fenway like you will in the Bronx. Well, unless there are cops on Landsdowne Street.

6. We both got a good laugh this off-season when the Blue Jays spent millions just to lock up that third place finish.

Seriously, $102 million for B.J. Ryan and A.J. Burnett? Seriously? Just a suggestion for Toronto GM J.P. Ricciardi… I’m going out on a limb here, but if the Sox or the Yanks aren’t willing to pony up that kind of cash for free agents, they’re probably not worth it. Edgar Renteria, Carl Pavano, Tony Womack. Let’s be honest, if you’ve had a good half-season our teams will fork it over, regardless of what your career stats say.

7. There is no seven. I should get a Nobel Peace Prize for coming up with six.

But of course, we will always disagree on a few things. Like Derek Jeter, for instance. I know that you think he and A-Rod have an intimate relationship. You’ve even sent me the pictures. And that’s fine. Because at the end of the day, I know it’s just jealousy.

Remember the Good Old Days when we used to have those endless debates about who was the better shortstop, Jeter or Nomar? I’m going to make a confession. For two years, (1999 and 2000) it was Nomar. But how did the Yankees do in those years? Exactly. Jeter’s a winner. Where’s Nomar now? Playing first base with Fred Taylor’s groin. I’m glad we finally decided this.

(As for this year, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you’d rather have Alex Gonzalez instead of Derek Jeter at short. Right.)

There will always be a laundry list of disagreements. There will always be bad blood between our teams, even if we watch A-Rod and Varitek get cozy every four years during the World Baseball Classic. There will always be a line of guys whose middle names are swapped for a seven letter expletive. There will always be Pedro doing the first-ever Zimmer Toss. There will always be the Best Trade that Never Happened (Williams-DiMaggio). There will always be the seven games of the 2003 AL Championship Series, and there will always be the seven games of the 2004 AL Championship Series. There will always be last season, when it came down to a tie-breaker.

There will always be this season. That’s why the call it a Rivalry.

I’m just glad everyone has an iPod now—no more disposable batteries.