Barstooltopia: What Could Have Been

Thomas Monaghan, the founder of Domino's Pizza who made $1 billion upon the sale of the company, recently announced plans to build an entire city based totally on the tenets of Catholicism. What the hell does that have to do with Barstool Sports, you ask? A lot.

Monaghan stole this idea from us. Barstool's braintrust came up with this idea a few years ago but we weren't the all-powerful global media conglomerate that we are today and after several days of negotiations Warren Buffett, Bill Gates and the Sultan of Brunei decided against investing the billions necessary to complete our vision of Barstooltopia. It was a sad day for Barstool but no doubt a sadder day for the 35,000 people who had already purchased homes on our proposed motorized man-made island. The plan was to summer in Boston and winter in Key West, except during football Sundays when Barstooltopia would make the necessary journey to the port closest to that week's Patriots' opponent.

But alas, Monaghan and his CFO, the Noid, swooped in and stole our idea. Monaghan's vision for his own city was slightly different than Barstooltopia. Located in southwest Florida, Ava Maria, Monaghan's city, is intended to be virtually no-sin (Girls Gone Mild?). Residents of Ava Maria must adhere to a strict interpretation of Roman Catholic doctrine. There will be no pornography and no contraception available within the city limits. Monaghan's plan is for 20,000 people to live in 11,000 homes but I believe that math is a little off. If you stuck 20,000 Catholics in one place and denied them contraception and pornography within three years the population would be approximately 415,000 so Monaghan may want to look into getting some cots.

We had a slightly different vision for Barstooltopia. Instead of no-sin we were leaning more towards a go-sin policy. And we weren't planning to base our community on Roman Catholic doctrine because we were uncomfortable with the potential Constitutional implications of restricting religious freedom. And also because not eating cheeseburgers on Friday would have sucked.

We actually came up with our own 11 Commandments that residents had to live by in Barstooltopia. We decided to do eleven commandments after realizing that all the other religions were stuck on ten. We asked ourselves where we could go from there and the answer was eleven. We're one better than the other religions. We crank up our commandments just bit louder than stodgy old Catholicism.

Here is the draft language of the 11 Commandments for life in Barstooltopia.

1. I am the ______________ your God who brought you out of the land of greater Boston.  Thou shall have no Boston sports gods other than Larry Bird, Tom Brady, Bobby Orr, Bill Russell and Ted Williams. We had actually intended to sell naming rights to the first commandment, figured it would be a good way to raise some capital. Initial discussions with Dunkin' Donuts, the Cask n' Flagon and Ernie Boch, Jr. looked promising prior to our loss of funding. We were very forward thinking and included Tom Brady on our list. Each home on Barstooltopia would have been required to have at least on poster of one of our Boston sports gods in their house.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image of Yankees, Knicks, Lakers, Canadiens, Jets, Dolphins, Raiders or Rangers.This is our society and we must protect our citizens. It was imperative that we kept certain riff-raff elements off of Barstooltopia.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Belichick in vain.Bill Belichick's football acumen is infallible. All Barstooltopia residents must accept that as truth.
4. Remember the Boston Sabbath days which include Patriots' Day, Red Sox opening day, the first and second day of the NCAA Tournament, any Red Sox-Yankees' series, St. Patrick's Day and the day after St. Patrick's Day, every Patriots' game, the four golfing majors, the Olympic sports of track and field, swimming, woman's gymnastics, basketball, ice hockey, curling and luge, the first spring day warm enough to golf, the Super Bowl, theBCS Bowl Games, fantasy sports drafts, New Year's Day, the night before Thanksgiving, the Beanpot, the Barstool Cover Model of the Year Party and the unveiling of Barstool's 25 Hottest Bartenders and Waitresses Issue. On these days, all residents of Barstooltopia are required to have some drinks and forget about all other worldly responsibilities.
5. Honor your Bostonforefathers including Red Auerbach, Bob Cousy, the Kraut Line, Dom DiMaggio, Tony C., Johnny Kelley, Rocky Marciano, Gino Cappeletti, Harry Agganis and Johnny Most. We felt that it was very important that the residents of Barstooltopia understood our community's unique history. All inhabitants of Barstooltopia would have been required to achieve a score of 85% or better on an entrance exam to guarantee acceptance. In lieu of not achieving the required 85% score, you could have still qualified under our Smoking Hot Girl Affirmative Action Program.
6. Thou shalt not kill. We actually decided to leave this one as it is. No need to tweak it.
7. Do not commit adultery…except if the person you are cheating with is a world famous and unquestionably good-looking actress, singer, athlete or adult film star. All residents of Barstooltopia would be allowed a list of 1500 potential adulterous partners. As long as your dalliances were with someone on your approved list there would be no problems.
8. Do not steal beer, deli meats, cable, pornography or jokes from the other residents of Barstooltopia. If caught stealing, the penalty would be three days in the town of Steinbrennerville.
9. Do not falsely accuse another Barstooltopia resident of being wrong about a sports fact unless you are 100% certain that you are right. This is perhaps Barstooltopia's most pressing issue. In the event that you were proven to have been wrong about a sports fact, you would be required to attend a mandatory three week seminar on Boston sports history. Your professors would be a group of 75-year olds who all remember "the good old days" of Boston sports. There would be no time limits on the duration of their stories.
10. Thou shalt covet. Nothing wrong with thinking your neighbor's wife if hot. Nothing says Barstooltopia like coveting your buddy's wife.
11. Thou shalt raise all offspring asBoston sports fans. We felt that this was entirely necessary given the sad state of the youth today. Far too many Boston children are walking around in Yankees' hats and Kobe jerseys. The tenets of Barstooltopia are applicable to all future generations and the young people of Barstooltopia must buy into the system. The children would be Barstooltopia's true legacy.