Barstool Sports Holiday Rant: Amtrak

Well it’s that time of year once again. The holidays. Time for love, time for joy; time to get de-railed by the pricks at Amtrak.

Listen, I know what you’re saying - “Why so salty Manzo? S’up? You’re usually a cool, laid-back kinda guy who rarely cares about anything, let alone rants, let alone talks in the 3rd person. Did you have a recent ‘negative experience’ on Amtrak’s fabulous Northeast Direct service that somehow ‘inspired’ this article?”

Yes, of course I did.

But truth-be-told, this article has been in the making since I used to schlep my uber-cheap, work-study ass “with laundry bag”, back and forth from New Haven to Providence during my 4 year siesta at PC. The only difference is Amtrak has actually gotten MORE annoying, and now I have some kind of platform, or at least a Stool, from which I can vent.

Hm, where shall I begin?

Issue 1 – “No, I don’t have a freakin’ pen.”

One of the new “security measures” on Amtrak now is they make you to sign your ticket in the upper-left corner before presenting it to the conductor. Why? Good f’n question! It’s not like they’re checking it against a photo I.D. And 50% of the time they don’t even ask for the signature so we KNOW its all bullshit.

But what really bothers me is not even the signing itself; it’s the blatant condescension from the prick conductor as he clicks open his pen after noticing the E-ticket you JUST picked up at the station remains unsigned…

Prick conductor, being a prick: “Ahem, Mr. Manzo, your ticket is not signed…”
Me, telling the truth: “Sorry, I don’t have a pen on me.”
Prick conductor, being even more of a prick: “Hold on a second.” SIGH. SIGH. Click-click. “Here’s one. Don’t forget it next time, sir.”
Me, lying through my teeth: “Ok, I’ll try and remember…”

Dude, who brings a f’n pen on a train?? Is a “Win, Lose or Draw” tournament gonna break out in the café car? Why is it so hard to believe someone didn’t pack a pen to go to Connecticut for Thanksgiving?? I’m like Colonel Jessup – I brought a change of clothes and some personal items. Nothing else. Sir.

You want to make things easier? Hand out pens like condoms at the prom when passengers first step-on-board the train.

Issue 2 – “Cell phone chick.”

Holy freakin’ shit…

HOLY FREAKIN’ SHIT!

Literally EVERY time I’ve ridden the train the last 5 years there’s been an 18-25 year old girl who feels now, on a crowded train at 9 in the morning, is the proper time to go through her entire contact list and chit-chat about nothing for the next 3 hours.

Again, I know what you’re saying, “Manzo, it’s the 90’s. People talk on cell phones in public.” Well, I know that. But it should be BANNED to talk on packed trains where people can’t escape.

I can see if your train is going to be late; or the night before you had hot, lesbian sex with your roommates. Fine. You call your ride and let them know. Clearly. And in great detail. But please, do not sit there and yap about how cute your cat looked dressed-up in baby clothes and a bonnet. This is NOT information your fellow passengers even remotely care about. Please shut up you stupid bitch.

Amtrak has GOT to do something about “cell phone chick”, immediately, before someone snaps on the train, throws her and her Samsung out the window, and writes a 3000 word article describing the act.

Issue 3 – “Security”

Ha. There is none. The quotes around the word are actually appropriate.

Get this - when you travel by rail in this country, every bag brought on-board goes completely unchecked! Yup, that’s right! Our plan to prevent a catastrophe is the f’n honor system; the same system that governs 50-cent news racks, crossword puzzles and high school golf. Fantastic.

The fact that we don’t have an X-ray machine at every major train station in America is an embarrassment. I mean it’s not like this hasn’t happened ALL OVER THE WORLD or anything. Hey, at least we sign the ticket… I feel safer already.

Issue 4 – “Delays”

How in the name of God, other than mechanical problems, can there be a delay on a f’n train?

Weather? No. The tracks are de-iced. Traffic? Well there’s only 1 track and there’s only 1 company. It’s not like the B&O Railroad is coming through South Station. The only traffic would have to be from OTHER Amtrak trains. So are they picking the arrival times out of a hat like the first round of a fantasy draft? I mean it seems as if 9/10 times the thing is late. It could be the middle of June, I’ll tell my ride to tack-on the “Amtrak-15”. This Thanksgiving it was only 20 minutes and I was thrilled. The Lions’ game stunk anyway.

Issue 5 – “Loud and obnoxious prick conductors.”

First of all, not ALL the conductors are pricks. Actually, more than a few are quite friendly. But we’re not here to talk about them. We’re here to talk about the ones who are so miserable that they decide to take out whatever is bothering them in life on a few undeserving passengers. What do you mean? Well for instance, you think forgetting your pen was bad? GODFORBID you’re running late and had to buy a ticket ON the train. (GASP, I know!) They’ll not only give you “the business”, but they’ll BROADCAST said business to the entire car.

(Please note, this has never happened to me personally, but I’ve seen it plenty of times and it’s always like this.)

“YEAH, MRS. BARBARA JONES, THAT’S MRS. BARBARA JONES, DOES NOT HAVE HER TICKET. OH, AND I’M TALKING REALLY LOUDLY TO TRY AND EMBARRASS HER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. MRS. JONES, THAT’LL BE $55 PLEASE.”

I simply don’t know where these people come from, nor do I wish to find out.

So my first official rant is complete. I hate Amtrak, as you can see, but unfortunately I will continue to take it until I’m forced into buying a car or the Barstool Sports Limo finally passes inspection, whichever comes first. Until then, it’s “All a Freakin’ Board.”