Barstool Sports (Fake) Interview with Roger Clemens
First he spoke with “60 Minutes”, then he had the Monday press conference. Next up - he’s talking to Congress. Clearly Roger Clemens is hitting all the major news and political outlets so it should be no surprise he contacted The Stool to discuss the recent steroid allegations as cited in the Mitchell Report. Now of course we were willing to speak with The Rocket, we’ll talk with anyone, the one stipulation The Stool demanded though was unlike “60 Minutes” and the United States Congress, Clemens would be forced to tell us the truth. Why? Three threatening words The Stool uses in every negotiation: Suzyn. Waldman. Naked.
Clemens quickly agreed. And last night Barstool spoke with The Rocket live via telephone from his home outside Houston.
Clemens: I did it.
The Stool: I haven’t even asked you a question.
Clemens: Oh.
The Stool: Did you ever take ster-
Clemens: Yes.
The Stool: Wow, that was easy. I guess the Waldman pictures really worked.
Clemens: They did.
The Stool: Okay then, when did the steroid use take place?
Clemens: Did you read the Mitchell report?
The Stool: No, it was too long. We’re waiting for the movie.
Clemens: Well you should probably read it. They have the whole thing. I actually used steroids more than 3 times like it says in the report, but let’s stick with 3 for now.
The Stool: Okay, so you’re completely guilty.
Clemens: Yes.
The Stool: Then why are you going through all these interviews? Who’s your lawyer, Jose Canseco? I mean that ’60 Minutes’ performance was fucking awful. OJ was more convincing. The whole “if I did do it” routine, that’s like the #1 sign of guilt of all time. And what was all that “blaming the system”? Nobody’s gonna buy that. Jesus Christ Roger, the only thing missing was a needle sticking out of your ass. Now the anger I thought was real. You DID seem pretty pissed.
Clemens: Well I practiced lying a bunch of times in front of mirror like Deniro in Taxi Driver but obviously it didn’t take. But you’re right, the anger was the only real thing about that interview. The rest was “hog wash” as they say.
The Stool: Nobody says hog wash.
Clemens: Fuck you. Listen, I had a deal with Brian McNamee.
The Stool: Who’s that?
Clemens: Will you read the fucking Mitchell report? McNamee was my trainer and good friend. He’d inject me with steroids, I would pay him some serious cash and in return he promised never to say a word about it to anyone. That was our deal and he broke it. That’s why I’m mad. It hurts when a friend gives you his word and then just betrays your trust like that when the feds come knocking.
The Stool: Wait, so you trusted a drug dealer?
Clemens: Yes. But I paid him $1,000,000 cash. That’s why there’s no paper trail or anything. Now this prick is selling me out. It just hurts.
The Stool: Again, you trusted a drug dealer.
Clemens: Yes, but a million bucks man! Barry Bonds paid his trainer half that and the guy didn’t say a word. I mean just look at the course of my career – I took the money every step of the way. This is America, right? Money is supposed to talk!
The Stool: Not when you’re facing anal rape for the next 10-15 years in a federal prison...
Clemens: Good point.
The Stool: Who else are you mad at?
Clemens: The public.
The Stool: Why?
Clemens: Because they’re not giving me the benefit of the doubt. I’m Roger Clemens, you’d think I’d get the benefit of the doubt.
The Stool: You ever hear of Pete Rose? He didn’t get the benefit of the doubt and people LIKED him. Nobody likes you. Yankee fans never warmed up to you. Red Sox fans hated your guts, some of them flip-flopped, but 90% of them still despise your very existence. Who did you think you would get the benefit of the doubt from? Blue Jay fans?
Clemens: I don’t know, I thought everybody would. I’m The Rocket! Everybody has my ’85 rookie card.
The Stool: That’s true. Ok, here’s another question. You already had the strikeouts, the 4 Cy Youngs, the MVP. You were going to the Hall of Fame anyway. Why did you take the steroids?
Clemens: I don’t care about fame, the Hall of Fame, being famous, the old disco movie “Fame”.
The Stool: What about “Almost Famous”? With Kate Hudson.
Clemens: No, I liked that one.
The Stool: Continue… why did you take steroids?
Clemens: Because my balls were too big. Why do you think? I took steroids because it helped me recover from injuries and added a few extra miles per hour on my fastball. It wasn’t even a banned substance so I took it like everybody else. Like I said, I don’t care about fame, the Hall of Fame, being famous. I have all the money in the world.
The Stool: Then what do you care about?
Clemens: My legacy. There’s a difference. I want to be remembered as the greatest pitcher who ever lived, the only way I can do that is to pretend McNamee is full of shit.
The Stool: But he’s not full of shit.
Clemens: I know, but I can’t let people think that. I’m insane by the way.
The Stool: We know.
Clemens: You do?
The Stool: I think everybody kind of does.
Clemens: What was it for you?
The Stool: The whole “I thought it was the ball thing” really did it for me…
Clemens: Yeah, I get that a lot.
The Stool: Well thanks for your time. Good luck in whatever the hell you’re trying to do.
Clemens: No problem, I like your website by the way. Love the “Guess That Ass”, I can never get it!
The Stool: Thanks. Hey, while we’re here -- did McNamara take you out in Game 6 or did you ask to be pulled?
Clemens: Ha. That was all him.