Barstool Sports Exclusive: The Very First Interview With Brady's Baby
When you write for what is widely considered the world's most powerful media organization, great stories occasionally come to you. Sometimes you can be sitting on your couch, eating half-priced Easter Sweettarts, playing Call of Duty and you'll get a phone call from Bridget Moynahan offering you the chance to interview Tom Brady's unborn baby. That's just life here at Barstool Sports. One minute you're killing Nazis and the next you're interviewing a fetus. Another day, another dollar. Maybe interviewing the unborn fetus of the NFL's best quarterback and his model/actress ex-girlfriend is a big deal at Newsweek or The New York Times or CosmoGIRL! but not at Barstool Sports. I barely blinked as Ms. Moynahan settled her feet into the stirrups. Nothing I haven't seen before.
Barstool Sports: So, how does it feel to be the celebrity bastard of the moment?
Brady's Baby: Lets get one thing straight, dickhead- don't lump me in with those ragamuffins Britney Spears popped out or Anna Nicole Smith's freakshow offspring. Yeah, yeah, I'm a little bastard but I'm got 50% of Tom Brady's DNA. Maybe my dad is off banging supermodels while I kick the crap out of my mom's womb but at least I know I'm not going to end up in state custody like Britney's kids. Nice haircut, psycho.
BSS: How is life in Bridget's womb?
BB: It is what it is. I mean, it's a womb. Developed in one, developed in them all. The only problem is that I can't get any sleep in here.
BSS: What's the problem, Brady's Baby? Why can't you get any shuteye?
BB: Why the hell do you think? I have to sit here and listen to mom bitch and moan about dad screwing Brazilians. Dad ends up on Page Six and cue the waterworks. Think about this- one minute you're hooking up with Tom freakin' Brady and the next you're all alone, have gained 20 pounds, are throwing up every morning and the only thing anyone knows about your current career is that you make out with Heather Graham in some movie no one can name.
BSS: Are you angry with your father?
BB: I'll tell you what- come back in ten years, toss me a football and stand about twenty yards away. If I can't reach you then, yes, I hate my father. If I have to go through life as Tom Brady's kid and I get stuck with my mom's athletic genes, well, let's just say that I'm not going to be a happy camper. Sure, I'll be able to dance on a f'ing bar but they don't give the Lombardi Trophy to the sluttiest bartender.
BSS: Well, then I guess you know what you're going to be?
BB: I'm on the fence right now. I'm a little more than three months old and there's definitely some freaky shit going on down there. But I can't give you a definite answer right now.
BSS: Are you rooting for one or the other?
BB: I end up as Tom Brady, Jr. and yeah, I have a lifetime trim pass. That's pretty sweet. But I also have to listen to every other kid talk smack when I play sports and hope that no crazy dad has ordered his meathead son to hit me late because the guy lost some money on a Super Bowl bet. And if I end up as Tomizabeth Brady, well, then I have to pray that I don't get my dad's chin or hairline. But my mom is freakin' hot so there's a good chance that I'm not going to be hard on the eyes and if I get my dad's athletic genes, then you could be talking to the next Jennie Finch.
BSS: So, how do you pass the time in there?
BB: Well, I finally learned how to pee. That was big. But mostly I'm working on my upper body strength and improving my vertical. I think I definitely ended up with my dad's legendary work ethic genes because I probably spend a few hours each day lifting and doing squats. I'm also really into Heroes. If I'm a dude, I'm definitely going to nail that chick that can't die. She'll be a MILF by then. And if I'm a dude, I just know that I'm going to love me some MILF's.
BSS: Have you hung out with your dad lately?
BB: Nope. He's been off in Paris or something with that Gisele chick doing dirty, dirty things. The last time I was with him was when he broke up with my mom. That was a fun night. One minute we're all on the couch, watching Ugly Betty, one big happy family. Then one of those Peyton Manning commercials comes on. Don't ask me which one; I can't tell them apart. Well, mom laughs. Just a little giggle. I may be in a gooey little sack of ooze in my mom's belly but I could feel my dad's rage. He went ballistic. Mom tried to tell him that she was just laughing because Peyton is "such a dork" but dad wasn't hearing any of that. Before you know it, he's throwing around Coyote Ugly quotes and she's calling him merely the product of Bill Belichick's system and then doors are slamming and that's that. But I'm guessing that he'll come by in a few weeks. Maybe we'll watch some March Madness together. Man, Michigan sucks. How the hell does Tommy Amaker still have a job?
BSS: Good question, Brady's Baby. Any thoughts on what the Pats should do in the Draft?
BB: I'll tell you what- if dad has to spend another season throwing to the Jabar Gaffney's of the world, then I may just have to crawl back up into my mom and sit out next season. I understand that Uncle Bill doesn't like to overspend on wide receivers and that we really need to get younger at linebacker. But we have two first round picks- if a top receiver falls, doesn't Uncle Bill have to pull the trigger? I missed most of last season but I sure as hell didn't hear much about Chad Jackson. If he's a bust, then what the hell does Dad do next season? Hope that the NFL lets Troy Brown take his walker onto the field?
BSS: Well, Brady's Baby, I want to thank you for your time. Good luck with everything.
BB: Thanks, man. Nice talking to you. Hey, and if you see my dad, tell him to wrap it up. I don't want to be sharing my inheritance with some gawky Brazilian half-sister.
Jamie Chisholm