Barstool Poker Guide: “Flopping the Nuts”
In just about every “How To” poker book there is, the author gives his theories on playing against tight, loose, passive or aggressive opponents, and combinations thereof. This is fairly standard. But nowhere, at least in what I’ve read, can you find out what to do if you’re playing against someone who’s tight-aggressive but A., a street hooker, and B., not breathing. There’s no book for that. You can’t look that up. And the more poker you play, especially in seedier environments, the more likely you are to “flop the nuts”, if you will, and come across these types of individuals. So today I’ll be providing some grain-of-salt strategy for playing against non-traditional opponents who you won’t find in Brunson, Harrington and Sklansky, but may encounter at some point in your poker playing career. (Please note: for REAL poker advice here at The Stool, please see “Mean” Gene Bromberg, not me.)
“The Stoner” – The Stoner, in my view, is difficult to play against because you’re not sure if he’s slow-playing, or just playing slow. It can be tricky. Most stoner dudes that I’ve played against aren’t high at the poker table, but their synapses are so shot from years of marijuana abuse it takes them forever to decide what to do when the action is on them.
It can be frustrating, and tough to read. You’re thinking, “Is he taking that long because he actually has a tough decision, or is he making a move on me? OR, is his brain so completely fried that this is the normal amount of time he takes to decide on everything?”
Recommended strategy vs. a Stoner: Like I said, stoner dudes take forever to decide on everything in life because their synapses connect as often as 7-2 offsuit. Although it can be tricky, don’t be fooled by the amount of time they take after you raise them. It’s not a ploy. That’s a legitimate, involuntary time-delay you’re witnessing. Now if the man’s there motionless for more than 3 minutes, then I’d be worried about what he has. Anything less though is standard, stoner procedure.
“The Meathead” – A few weeks ago at Foxwoods I had the wonderful opportunity to sit at a $1-2 No Limit table with four “Grade A” Meatheads. Of course they all knew each other, obviously. It was great though, in less than an hour I was up $120 and nearly cried when they left because I knew I’d give it all back and did. Granted I was making worse reads than Amber Frey that night, but still.
Typical Meathead antics include: intimidating weaker players by incessantly trash-talking, raising $20 pre-flop at a $1-2 No Limit table, not knowing how to play poker, and stealing the button, or at least trying to, instead of passing it to the left. Pricks.
Recommended strategy against Meatheads: Make a joke when you sit down that you know they won’t get, but others will. This will put THEM on edge, get other players “on your side” and curb the Meatheads’ annoying intimidation tactics. For example, I told the table I couldn’t take Ecstasy pills because I had high cholesterol. The Meatheads had no f’n clue what I was talking about but everyone else kind of chuckled. It was perfect. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, again, I’d call with hands you wouldn’t normally call with, and don’t be afraid to re-raise them because Meatheads are most likely bluffing.
“The Prostitute” – Prostitutes like to gamble. I mean, most of them don’t even have a CVS card, let alone health insurance. So it stands to reason they’ll call you with bad cards more often than say, someone who’s NOT a prostitute.
If you find yourself in a pot against a hooker, I’d question what the hell you’re doing there in the first place, but after that, I’d play super-strong if you hit the flop.
For example, last year I was in a pretty big hand at a massage parlor in California and one particular “woman of the night” continued to call my rather large raises hoping to catch miracles on both the turn and the river. It was like she was playing with somebody else’s money, which was entirely possible, but thankfully for me she missed her card completely and I raked in the pot.
Recommended strategy against a prostitute: Get the hell out the joint as soon as possible. Fast. Why are you there? If you don’t know the answer to that question, bet big after you hit the flop and don’t let that ho’ catch-up to you on the turn and river.
“The True Degenerate” – Oh man, I love the True Degenerate. What distinguishes the True Degenerate from the normal degenerate are 4 things: 1., he ACTUALLY BELIEVES he’s a good poker player, 2., he always has a “favorite hand” that he’ll overplay to the death, most likely Jack-10 or pocket deuces, 3., he has money on the game on TV and is completely distracted by it, and finally 4., he continually calls river bets time after time even though he knows he’s beat. It’s like he wants to PROVE to the table that he can read opponents, but then still makes the bad call KNOWING he’s going to lose! It’s a joy to watch. “You got me beat, I know it. Trip 9’s right? I got 2-pair. Call.” Trip 9’s.
The True Degenerate will then follow this up with MORE bad play, go on-tilt in no time, and then re-buy and do it all over again. It’s a pattern, frankly, he’ll repeat his entire life.
Recommended strategy against the True Degenerate: Oooh, tough one because it’s so God damn painful to see a man self-destruct in front of everyone. The strategy is really nothing. Now that you can spot him, just play your normal game. By definition, he’ll degenerate. Truly. And hopefully it is you that’s the beneficiary of his atrocious decision making.
So there you have it. Hopefully this guide will come in handy for you at some point in the near future. And as always, no matter where you’re playing and who you’re playing against, good luck at the tables and hope you make it home safe.