The Barstool Guide to Saratoga - 2007
Saratoga has easily been my favorite summer destination in the country since my first trip there 5 years ago. Bars, girls, gambling…. gambling, Saratoga has it all. Now this year’s meet begins this Wednesday, July 25th and ends per tradition on Labor Day; so you only have limited time to get permission from the wife if you need to. And while making the manageable 3.5 hour drive from Boston is certainly possible for a day trip, to get the full Toga experience, especially if you’ve never gone before, is just not recommended.
So without further ado, on and off track, here’s your official Barstool Guide to Saratoga - 2007.
“At the Track”
Lord knows I have no problem gambling at Suffolk Downs. And I’d be lying if I told you that betting the Hong Kong races at 1 a.m. at Wonderland with multiple Chinese food delivery guys wasn’t life-changing at the very least, but even I’d have to admit that the 144 year old track at Saratoga is the crown jewel of all horse/dog racing venues. It reminds me of a pre-Lucchino Fenway in the way it transports you back in time 100 years upon entry. They still have some of the original tote boards as well as an old bell that rings exactly 17 minutes before post time. Naturally the racetrack itself is in absolutely pristine, Augusta National-like condition. Add the countless chicks in big hats and sundresses, and you really can’t beat the track at Saratoga.
Oh, they have degenerates too. That’s the beauty of Saratoga -- everyone is welcome. They just have their own section away from everyone else. The degenerates avoid the masses and sit in the red chairs outside the track while watching/betting the races on TV. Whether or not they are there by choice is a whole other question.
“Lodging”
A lot people don’t realize this – Saratoga is just a small college town of about 5,000 people that gets invaded by 500,000 horsemen, millionaires, couples in love and out of town gamblers for the last 6 weeks of the summer. If you don’t have a place to stay by now you’re more than likely fucked. First of all do not, repeat DO NOT stay at Lee’s Campground. This was somebody’s bright idea last year (not mine) and it was horrible. The front desk is a tire, the manager is a toothless woman with no bra, and the security vehicle is a ’73 Camaro with the word “Security” spray painted in orange. You think I’m making this up, you check it out. Obviously we didn’t stay at Lee's Campground.
As far as hotels, everything in Saratoga Springs is booked by now. In all probability you’re going to have stay someplace outside Toga like Clifton Park or Glen Falls -- that’s why having some kind of connection (“My Buddy in Saratoga”) is huge. Sleeping in the barn at the track is another last ditch option, as is finding a nice, warm “cougar den” for the evening -- always a distinct possibility in Saratoga.
“Handicapping Hints”
If you’re a rookie to the track or just a really bad handicapper, there are three sources of wagering assistance at your disposal in Saratoga. The first are these pink sheets of paper found throughout the town, oddly enough known as “the pink sheets” where local experts give their selections for the day’s races. A few years ago I foolishly ignored a pink sheet “upset special” in the Sword Dancer and missed out on a potential $500 exacta, $14,000 tri, and $40,000 superfecta! That one still kind of hurts.
The second source is “Santa Claus Guy”. Santa Claus Guy is a scruffy old degenerate resembling St. Nick who stands outside the entrance and sells his “picks of the day” for $5. Initially I thought he was just a crazy, prognosticating bum. And I was right.
The third is Michael Imperioli, a.k.a. “Christopher” from The Sopranos, who you’ll probably see at some point. Trust me when I tell you, go along with whoever he picks.
To quote my buddy Biff, “Let’s just say, he’s not gonna lose.”
“Travers Week”
This year’s Travers is shaping up to be one of the most anticipated in a long time with the winners of the first 2 legs of the Triple Crown – Street Sense and Curlin, set to square off again on August 25. Both will run once more – Street Sense most likely in The Jim Dandy on July 29, and Curlin in The Haskell on August 5, before meeting at The Travers on the 25th. (Rags to Riches, the filly who won The Belmont, is not running in The Travers.)
A couple of things on The Travers – if you’re a casual racing fan and have never been up to The Spa, I would highly recommend you break your maiden for The Travers. With all due respect to the Chili Cook-off during The Alabama, there’s simply no other weekend like Travers’ weekend. It’s actually an entire week-long event -- the whole town is packed from the bars to the track, and your chance of hooking up with a rich slut from Connecticut goes down to 5-2. It just has that “big game feel” throughout the week.
If you’re a degenerate on the other hand, you probably won’t like all the idiots in line who don’t know how to bet, as well as the increased price of admission. Grandstand goes from $3 to $5, and clubhouse from $5 to $10. And I think the pens go up from 50 to 75 cents…
Other Grade 1 stakes races include: The Whitney on 7/28, The Sword Dancer on 8/11, The Alabama on 8/18, The Woodward on 9/1 and The Hopeful on Labor Day.
“Toga Nightlife”
After a long day of losing at the track, those not completely out of money head down to Caroline Street and the lively, Toga bar scene. According to legend (local stoners), Saratoga has more bars per capita than any town in the country. And they all close around 3.
Here are a few:
Saratoga City Tavern – 4 story joint where the heat, decibel level and percentage chance of stepping in vomit all increase as you go up a floor. The roof deck is always packed; usually a 1 beer and out type place. Meathead population is high.
Gaffney’s – cool outdoor patio bar where you can smoke cigars, look at pretty girls and complain about your gambling losses.
Nine Maple – quiet jazz bar for Skidmore stoner dudes “fed up with the scene”.
Trotters – local bar named after the shadier, lesser known harness racing track across town.
Desperate Annie’s – a.k.a. “D.A.’s”. D.A.’s is a college bar with a dartboard, Galaga machine, Foosball and pool table in the back room. D.A.’s is also the establishment where a drunken Rabbi took a shit next to my buddy in a small, 1 toilet, 1 urinal bathroom. With nothing in between the two.
Finally, no trip to Saratoga is complete without a stop at Clancy’s Tavern – one of the top cougar dive bars in the entire country. And by cougar I don’t mean Sharon Stone – I mean like your boss’ frizzy-haired, chain-smoking secretary. Clancy’s is actually the place where the term “a cougar’s dollar” was born, as last year Stevie Nicks’ “Stand Back”, Heart’s “Barracuda” and Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” were all heard in succession on the jukebox. I know, amazing. Also note: the beer is cheap, they’ll probably be a few dogs, and the last time I was there the entire bar sang along to “Badlands” by Bruce Springsteen like it was “I Will Survive” on a bachelorette party. It was unbelievable.
“Poor men wanna be rich, rich men wanna be kings…”
Actually I guess that’s more than appropriate for Saratoga.
So there you have it, your Barstool Guide to Saratoga - 2007. Good luck at the bar, finding a place to stay and of course at the track. And don’t forget to check out www.barstoolsports.com throughout the next 6 weeks for official racing picks. We hit the Belmont cold and plan on heating up this summer.