Barstool Breakdown: The TVG Announcers
Barstool Breakdown: The TVG Announcers
For sports fans and degenerates still not aware, TVG is the interactive Horse Racing Network available, for a small fee, through most cable and satellite providers. TVG, an ex-Stool sponsor, is also the 1 channel out 5,000 where you can legally gamble, and the only place of business I can think of where employees get paid a healthy salary to make losing predictions on horse races, thus, making it my dream job to one day work there.
Hopes and dreams aside, TVG sports not 2 or 3, but in upwards of 12 announcers who come to you every day to provide insight, commentary, and said losing predictions. And as much as I’ve grown to hate most of them over the past year, some can be quite entertaining, and on the rarest of rare occasions, have actually won me a few bucks.
Today I’ll be breaking down the TVG announcers for those who care; venting my frustrations at some, completely ignoring others, while praising those who haven’t yet killed me. (Note: if you do not subscribe to TVG and have literally no interest in what I’m talking about, just play along. It’s the holidays.)
Bryan Cox – Yes, THE Bryan Cox. The ex-Pat, Jet, Saint and Dolphin has gone from a brash, trash-talking middle-linebacker, to well, a brash, trash-talking TVG announcer. “BC” as he’s known on TVG, is like Paris Hilton on a shopping spree; he gets to take company money and just bet it at will on longshots with no repercussions whatsoever. Its hilarious to watch as the other analysts will have their 2 and 3-1 shots lined up, while good ole BC keeps firing away at the 3-legged circus pony at 65-1. But to his credit, Cox portrays “the everyman” better than anyone on TVG, often times yelling in frustration, “NO!!” amongst other things, after his horse loses a tight one. Imagine Al Michaels doing that after a last-second Rodney Peete fumble cost him $300? Never happen. My favorite BC moment though is one they replay constantly, and it’s when co-TVG analyst Frank Lyons’ horse, Castledale, won the 2004 Santa Anita Derby and Cox, who had absolutely nothing to do with the breeding, owning or training of the horse, jumped-in on the post-race celebration at the track like he was Castledale’s father. Truly an instant classic…
Simon Bray – I like this guy. One of the few British people in the world I trust, Bray made his name in horse racing as one of Cigar’s assistant trainers. And he’ll never let you forget about it. Somehow in the middle of handicapping a $6,000 maiden claiming race at Turf Paradise, Bray will casually throw in a Cigar reference, which may or may not have anything at all to do with the race at hand. But like I said, I like this guy. Bray’s one of the few handicappers I’ll pay attention to because he obviously knows something about horses (ahem, Cigar, ahem) plus, I’ve actually seen him predict a horse to win, and whatta you know, he wins!
Ken Rudolph – For those unfamiliar with him, Ken Rudolph is like the Ricky Davis of TVG. Wild, erratic, unpredictable; I guarantee both of these men put their ATM cards in behind the back….just because it’s cool. Don’t believe me? Take a look at Rudolph’s bio from TVG.com for a second: he’s had cameos in 8 movies, including “Bruce Almighty” and “S.W.A.T.”, and appeared as the Padres play-by-play announcer in the made-for-TV movie, “Darwin Conspiracy”. Oh, and in his spare time, Rudolph plays guitar and sings in a band called Phat Mama. I mean, how I am supposed to react to something like that? That’s unbelievable. Phat f’n Mama!? The thing with Rudolph is that TVG for some reason is still utilizing him as more of a host/reporter role, even though he’s actually one of the better handicappers at the station. Like Ricky Davis, sure, his methods are questionable, but it’s all about the results. In fact, he’s the only person in American I know of, besides my buddy “Zoo”, who picked Giacomo at 50-1 to win the Kentucky Derby. Yup, as our own Pucktalk once said, “Ken Rudolph is a pimp.”
Victoria – I don’t her last name, but she’s the in-studio host on the weekends. Although fluent on horse racing, she’s technically not one of the analysts. If I were in charge over there at TVG, A., I’d probably propose and lose my job, but more importantly B., I’d let her roll the dice on a couple of Pick 4’s, why not? Victoria seems like she knows her stuff.
Randy Doerges – Randy seems like a great guy, but for some reason he always gets the crap shifts with Rich Perloff doing Delta Downs on Saturday nights. I mean, who’s watching then?? (pause) Also, for some reason, whenever he’s in the studio with Victoria, he tends to get a little nervous. It’s weird. You have to see it…
Matt Carothers and Todd Shrupp – both of these guys need a punch in the face. I’m sorry, I don’t know them personally; that’s just my opinion. Not only are they too friggin’ cocky, but they’re too friggin’ convincing. And on a gambling channel, that’s a deadly combination. Its one thing to be cocky and convincing during Wednesday night Barstool trivia, but it’s a whole different ballgame to do it on national television with millions of trigger-happy degenerates hanging on your every word. America has simply been burned too many times. Carothers actually picked Sir Shackleton to beat Saint Liam in the Woodward this year. I mean, honestly. That’s gotta be the worst pick since I took Rae Carruth in my ‘99 fantasy draft.
Dave Weaver, Mike Joyce, Chris Katulak and Les Onaka – I’m convinced these guys all sleep at Los Alamitos. I’ve literally never seen any of them at any other track, ever. And there’s nothing wrong with sleeping over at a racetrack, I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it, nor have I ever passed-out stoned at the 16th pole at Saratoga, its just they’re professional announcers, you’d think they’d go home once in a while. All kidding aside, I don’t follow the Quarter Horses at Los Als primarily because I can’t bet on them in Massachusetts (long story), but from what I’ve seen, these guys all know their shit, especially Onaka, who’s like the Mr. Miagi (R.I.P.) of horse racing. Les is this old, wise, Japanese guy who, instead of training South Jersey transplants the art of Kar-at-e; he picks horses. He’ll roll-off 2-3 Pick 4’s in a row sometimes, he’s that good. The other 3 are also solid handicappers, but it sucks for us because we can’t bet Los Als via TVG in this state (again, long story).
Bob Bedicker a.k.a. “Mr. B” – Along with Bray and Onaka, Mr. B is probably the most respected handicapper at TVG. He’s been in horse racing his whole life, apparently he picked winners pretty consistently at Aqueduct last year; but unfortunately he puts me to sleep. He’s just too dry. If you’re hungover on a Saturday morning, and turn on TVG, you may wake up 6 hours later with a program in one hand, a remote control in the other, and a full pot of room-temperature coffee just sitting there in the kitchen. But like I said, he’s probably the best handicapper they have, he’s excellent. Its just most times I can’t stay awake long enough to reap the benefits.
As far as Greg Wolf, Rich Perloff, Jill Byrne and the rest of the gang, I have no problem with any of you. Keep up the good work. Again, if you’re hiring at TVG, I take back everything bad I said and can be in L.A. by 9 a.m. I love you guys.
Seriously, you people hiring? Just curious…