Barstool Bracket Breakdown
"Sizing up" the field of 64....
The field has been set. The seeds have been questioned. And in just two days the tournament will be underway. Can you feel the excitement?! No? Well anyway, per usual some of these first round matchups will have you shaking your head and changing your picks all the way up until game time, so today I’ve taken the opportunity to provide some further clarity on this year’s field of 64 and breakdown the brackets, for those of you who are into this kind of thing…
We start out in the North region where most experts are picking the 1 seed - Jessica Alba (Oh no he didn’t!) to advance all the way to Indy. But not so fast. Alba has some “stiff” competition in the top-half of the bracket. That 8-9 game of Beyonce/Heidi Klum is one of the most intriguing matchups in the whole tournament. They’re both so…..tall. And I’ve already complained to the Selection Committee about this – but I would’ve liked to see Barstool’s own Kim a.k.a. “Flag Girl” as the 16 seed here instead of Anna Benson. Just to keep it real.
As far as my super sleeper – I’m going with Bridget Moynihan. I know a 13 seed has never advanced past the Elite 8 (I have no idea I just made that up) but if anyone can do it around here it’s the chick who’s banging Tom Brady. I also look for the 12 seed - Eva Mendez’ ass, to take down the 5 – Kate Bosworth. But you probably already had that.
The bottom of this bracket is just insane. Insane! There’s landmines, implants and drug problems all over the place – and arguably makes it the toughest half of the bracket on the board. WWWWWWOW! Look at how the Committee has stacked it with heavy hitters up and down: Salma Hayek is as solid a 3-seed as you’ll ever f’n see; Jennifer Love Hewitt as a 7 is just outrageous, and Maria Menounos is the toughest 10-seed since the ’97 Providence Friars.
Then you’ve got pre-crack Lindsay Lohan as the 6, Tiger’s wife as the 2, BOTH Olson twins – Merlin and Mary-Kate as the 15, and the only deceased member of the field – Miss Elizabeth, as the 14. I don’t know if the Committee even knows she’s dead. Still, a tough draw. How do you pick against a dead person? Especially someone as beloved as Miss Elizabeth.
The Pick: I don’t see anyway Alba doesn’t romp to the Elite 8, where I have a feeling the sentimental choice, Miss Elizabeth’s carcass awaits. Winner: Alba, by a Slim Jim.
In the South bracket we’ve got a real interesting mix of sluts, sports personalities and Tom Cruise girlfriends. The first thing I noticed when the brackets came out was the potential Katie Holmes – Penelope Cruz cat fight in the round of 16. I hope CBS can give us a live look-in of Nicole Kidman, wherever she is.
Let’s start out with the top half of the bracket where the 1 seed, Brooke Burke, is going to get lit up like a Whopper Jr in the second round against Natalie Portman. You heard it here first. Brooke Burke has trouble reading, I can’t stand it. Portman is a genius.
The bottom half of the South is just scary. I’ll be amazed if Jessica Biel makes it out of there alive. First of all Jessica Simpson as a 6 seed is just asinine. I don’t know who’s a stronger 6 seed – her or Michigan State? Maybe her sister as a 6, not Jessica.
And what's the prop bet on girls named Jessica to win this thing? 2-1?
Plus, Simpson's got the seemingly approachable, yet hot as hell Kentucky Superfan, Ashley Judd in the first round. It appears to me the Committee has it out for the former Mrs. Lachey. Then you’ve got Ali Landry, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Garner and Elisha Cuthbert as a 7. A 7-seed for Jack Bauer’s kid! Someone’s getting their eyes carved out.
The Pick: I’ve got Elisha Cuthbert torturing both Jennifer Garner then Jessica Biel, then advancing to face Natalie Portman in the Elite 8, with Cuthbert ultimately advancing to Indy.
In the East we have to start out with the Angelina Jolie – Britney Spears 1-16 matchup. This is just a sad, sad state of affairs when the once mighty Britney falls to a 16. I’m not happy right now… ok I’m fine. However I don’t think its cupcake city for Jolie. Jenn the FSU chick is not to be taken lightly especially after her Maxim pictorial when she admitted to hooking up with one of the actual FSU cheerleader’s ex-boyfriends on principle, which is tremendous. Look for her to “Cowboy Up” past Alessandra Ambroisa and Marissa Miller before losing to the battle-tested Jolie in the Elite 8.
The bottom half of the East is loaded. Winnie Cooper as the 14 is certainly getting a few sentimental votes, but damn, how does anyone vote against Stacy Kiebler? Jesus Chirst. I’ve never even heard of Rachel Leigh Cook. Was she in “Single White Female”? Regardless, she’s in trouble in round 1 vs. Kiebler. J-Lo – Nicole Eggert in the 7-10 game is a coin toss. Are we talking old or new Eggert? This was the subject of great debate the other night. Is it “Charles in Charge”, “Baywatch”, or present day? Interesting. I guess it’s up to you, the voter.
And then Peyton Manning as the 15-seed is just hopeless. I’m sure he’ll blame the SCUBA gear.
The Pick: I think we’re going to see a matchup for the ages in Angelina Jolie – Winnie Cooper in the Elite 8. It’s basically good against evil. And I think evil will prevail with Angelina advancing to the Final 4.
Top the bottom, front to back, head to toe; the West is the toughest region on the board. Look at the RPI’s; there are simply no gimmies anywhere.
To start I think we might see Committee favorite Kristen Kreuk become the first 1-seed to lose a first round game when she takes-on the slutty, bi-curious, reality whore, Trishelle. Like I said this bracket is a nightmare to predict, but a dream to breakdown.
Shannon Elizabeth, Tyra Banks, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, as a 5-seed no less; Halle Berry, Vanessa Marcil. The hits just keep on coming. Unless this thing is rigged, no way Kreuk advances.
The bottom half of the bracket begins where the top left off. The Kate Beckinsale – Carmen Electra matchup is an interesting contrast in styles. Should be a good game. Then we have our 2nd reality show girl of the bracket – Kristin from Laguna Beach, taking on Giselle in the 3-14 game, followed by Lucy Liu – Evangeline Lilly, and finally another blockbuster matchup in Charlize Theron vs. Maria Sharapova. Anytime Sharapova is a 15 seed you know you’ve entered just a dynamite bracket….. or the French Open.
The Pick: While Kristin from Laguna might surprise people here, there’s simply no way I can pick against Tiffany-Amber Kapowski. No way. After surviving a tough first round game, she marches on to the Final 4.
Final Four: So here’s what I have: Alba (1) out of the North, Cuthbert (7) out of the South, Jolie (1) out of the East, and Theissen (5) out of the West. I like it. You can’t have all 1’s and 2’s. My final will pit (no pun intended) Angelina Jolie against Elisha Cuthbert in what will be a pillow fight to the death with me referring, and ends with Jolie cutting down the nets and moving in to my apartment.
Somebody cue “One Shining Moment…”
Good luck to all and enjoy the tournament.