Bad DVD of the Month

Sometimes I hate this job. I really do.

Although the pay is excellent and the fringe benefits are amazing, I am forced to sometimes view movies I would not even watch if I had a loaded gun pressed to my head. This situation presented itself in May when “White Noise” was released on DVD. Normally I wouldn’t give it a second thought, but after reading about the film’s premise, I was certain it would eventually find its way into this column. Brought on by America’s puzzlingly insatiable appetite for sloppily made horror flicks, “White Noise” was touted in commercials as “one of the most disturbing movies in years”. Yes, this film was extremely disturbing. But not in the manner producers intended.

From the moment movie trailers for “White Noise” graced theatres across the country last winter, I knew deep down I would absolutely loathe this movie. Filmmakers are achingly desperate for scary ideas, and this movie taps into the far reaches of ludicrousness. In the paranormal investigative community (aka the crazy, weirdo, go get a life community), there is an area of study known as Electronic Voice Phenomenon (EVP). In essence, this is supposedly when the dead attempt to communicate with the living through all types of technology (television signals, audio and video tapes). Sounds like a great premise to base a major Hollywood studio film on, right? Nope, I didn’t think so either.

In the film, Alex (played by Michael Keaton) is a successful architect living in the Pacific Northwest with his lovely wife, Anna, and doting son, Mike. His seemingly idyllic life is shattered when Anna is found dead on a rocky beach, presumably because of an accident. An EVP researcher tracks down Alex, teaches him all about the phenomenon, and he inevitably becomes consumed with contacting his dead wife. What follows is a ridiculous series of coincidences and contact from beyond that eventually culminate in a climax I have yet to understand. The stale plot feels under explained, and many important facets of the characters’ personalities are not explored

Here are five reasons why “White Noise” makes “The Grudge” look like “Citizen Kane”.

Casting: I like Michael Keaton, I really do. Although he’s not one of my favorite actors, I have always found him to be a pleasant presence on the silver screen. He is well suited for light-hearted fare such as “Mr. Mom”, “First Daughter” and the upcoming Lindsay Lohan vehicle “Herbie: Fully Loaded”. Keaton’s resume shows he has the neurotic nice guy down pat, but that is precisely why he does not belong in horror films. So confused as to why Keaton would star in this movie, I did copious research to see if anyone else passed on the lead role. Although I couldn’t come up with anything concrete, I still refuse to believe he was the casting director’s first choice for the role of Alex.

I am not even going to bother bashing the rest of the talent here, as Keaton hogs most of the screen time. Still, only in a movie this bad would the writer tease us by killing off the most beautiful woman in the movie so early, as the lovely Chandra West lasts only a few minutes as Anna. Playing Sarah, Alex’s confidante in all things EVP, is the relatively unknown Deborah Kara Unger (“Thirteen”, “The Hurricane”). Her acting could use some work, but she doesn’t seem out of place like Keaton. She looks tailor-made for this type of movie because she sports the same dark, mysterious scowl of young actresses Clea DuVall and Fairuza Balk.

Story: If you want to have any chance of enjoying this movie, you’re going to have to suspend disbelief for all 101 minutes. The plot is extremely rushed and very little time is given to character development or realism. For instance, after Anna’s untimely death, a creepy fat man named Brandon follows Alex and reveals that he is an EVP researcher. In a matter of hours, the two miraculously become think as thieves. Soon after, Brandon dies unexpectedly and despite feeling a newfound kinship with him, Alex and Sarah show little to no emotion when told the bad news. That’s when Alex decides to devote every minute of his life to contacting his dead wife. Sounds like a shrewd way to spend one’s time, no?

So many baffling questions here. Out of all the spiritual mediums in the world, why did Anna contact Brandon? Does Brandon have a monopoly on messages from the dead in that city? How did Brandon get involved in such a weird pastime? Does Brandon have a real job? Isn’t it quite a stark coincidence that Brandon and Alex live in the same city? How did Brandon die? Does Alex quit his job? How did Alex learn to contact the dead? Why does Alex show no emotion when everyone he knows dies? How was a contemporary horror movie made without a sinister looking child? Sorry folks, I unfortunately have no answers for any of these queries.

Directing: Because I have little to no patience for poorly made movies, I have a helpful hint for Geoffrey Sax, the director of this monstrosity. When all is quiet in a scene and a character seems peaceful and serene, we all know something is about to jump out from around a corner or pass in front of a mirror. I even knew this when I was five years old and secretly watched “Firestarter” behind my parents’ back. It’s just not scary anymore, if it ever was. I counted no less than ten of these hackneyed moments in the movie. We all know what’s coming, so please stop treating us like idiots. I weep for those who are still scared and surprised by these scenes.

Acting: Absolutely, positively horrendous. Just awful. I certainly wasn’t expecting Academy Award winning work in this, one in a recent line of cheesy low-rent horror movies that studios are falling over themselves to release. But the acting here only warrants laughs, something a serious horror flick should generally try to avoid. Keaton is most guilty, as his tormented widower is barely believable. He shows very little emotion upon learning his wife is dead, and I was screaming at the television for some sign of passion or pain. Unfortunately, once he attempted to show any feeling it came off as helplessly forced. In film, always be careful what you wish for.

One scene rises above the rest in its unintended hilarity. At one point, Alex’s new hobby becomes an insane obsession as he tries to record messages from his long lost love. After setting up an impromptu video lab in his home (because that’s so easy), he literally lives there around the clock, recording several televisions at the same time. What follows is a two-minute long montage of Alex squirming, fidgeting and staying up at all hours. Over sullen music, he rubs his eyes and pretends to be upset. It is as awkward as it is humorous to watch.

Ending: “Um, what?” That was the question I asked myself as a wide shot of an abandoned warehouse faded to black and the credits began to roll. I’ll be perfectly honest when I tell you that I’ve watched the movie’s climax thrice, and I still have absolutely no idea what happened. There were quite a few puzzle pieces to put together at the end, and I was fully expecting a lot to be explained. That never happened. Some scary sounds echo, some ghosts fly around and the police arrive at the scene too late. And just like that the movie was over.

I like surprise endings, but this one had me puzzled. If I am going to sit through nearly two hours of self-imposed torture, I at least want an original or unique ending. This one was indeed unique, but only in its disappointment. Since I’m of at least average intelligence, I visited three movie message boards on the web to see if I was indeed the only one left perplexed. On each site I found dozens of movie fans who were equally puzzled by the bizarre ending. Here’s hoping that there won’t be a sequel to answer my lingering questions.