Bachelor Trip 101
El Presidente was in South Beach this past weekend for a bachelor party. Cue the music…
“Party in the city where the heat is on. All night on the beach til the break of dawnmWelcome to miami (bienvenido a miami) Bouncin' in the club where the heat is on All night on the beach til the break of dawn. I'm going to miami, welcome to Miami”
Anyway, since I’m sure lots of our readers are in their mid twenty’s and early 30’s I thought I’d give some tips on things I learned during the trip. Keep in mind that the goal with this article is to help you avoid making some of the same mistakes that we did and make your next bachelor party the best one ever. As a side note, some of this advice may apply only to Bachelor Parties that take place in warm weather locations.
1. Tending Bar is Not Allowed
Let me clarify this. There are lots of times that you are allowed to play the role of bartender. You are allowed to make drinks for other people in your hotel room. You are allowed to make drinks during the day in your cabana. You are allowed to make drinks on the beach. However, apparently it is frowned upon by hotel management to jump behind the pool bar at 5 o’clock in the morning and start mixing drinks for people using the hotel’s alcohol. While on the outside this sounds like a great idea, the hotel does reserve the right to evict you if you consistently violate this policy. We also found out that hotels have a 3-strike, you’re out policy for noise violations that occur after 4am. It does not matter if the music you are blasting is what you would qualify as easy listening.
2. Feel the Burn
I’d say that out of the 14 guys who went to Miami, 14 of us got 2nd degree sun burns. Obviously, when a bunch of pale ass North Shore guys go to South Beach everybody wants to get a nice tan. Therefore, when it was slightly overcast nobody felt the need to wear suntan lotion. This, my friends, was a mistake. After careful research and case studies, I can now confirm the theory that that the sun is, in fact, stronger in Miami than it is in Boston and pale, fat out of shape people should always wear sun tan lotion. This goes double for all the Irish people in the group. Also, do not depend on your buddies’ advice on whether or not it’s time to put the sun tan lotion on. By the time somebody mentions that somebody else looks a bit red it is WAY to late. WAY too late. As a general rule of thumb just assume that Northeast Guys are going to get fried in Florida or Vegas even if it’s pouring rain outside. That’s the best advice I can give you.
2B. Avoid Raccoon Eyes
This is a corollary to Feel the Burn. While it’s great to wear shades all day long, raccoon eyes are not a hot look in South Beach. You must get some sun on your eyes. And again do not trust your buddies’ advice on whether you have raccoon eyes. We almost had 6 fist fights after people saw themselves in the mirror for the first time. The bottom line is that it is very hard to tell what is happening with the sun while you at the pool or beach. Also, some of your “buddies” may actually want you to get raccoon eyes so they can gain an advantage in the hunt for chicks later in the evening. It’s hard to get laid with raccoon eyes no matter where you are.
3. Seeing Famous People is fun
I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but I always like bumping into famous people when I’m on a bachelor party. It makes me feel like I’m doing something special. So without further ado, here is who we saw on our trip. 1. Paulie Walnuts from the Sopranos. My buddy Elio was swimming next to him. 2. Teddy from 8th and Ocean (Not really a celebrity, but if you’re on MTV that’s good enough for me. As a side note, we did debate all showing up at 8th and Ocean to say Teddy wasn’t sh-t and we were interested in modeling contracts). 3. Donnie Deutsch. I was supremely disappointed with Donnie. He was with 2 average looking chicks. And I’m talking average for Boston type average. I’m not sure how a guy who is as rich as he is can be spotted with two average girls in South Beach where the average girl is smoking hot to begin with.
4. You Must Change Your Clothes
This one seems fairly obvious doesn’t it? But once the party gets started it’s easy to lose track of time and space. Everything just begins to blend together. The case in point is one buddy of mine who somehow managed to wear the same exact clothes the entire trip. I’m talking he wore the same shirt, same shoes, same everything everywhere we went. He wore it to the beach, to dinner, to bed, to the club, to the strip club. Everywhere. For 3 straight days. And it’s not like he didn’t bring clothes or anything. His hotel was two blocks down the street but he never stepped foot inside his room for 3 straight days. Let me just say this. I know bachelor parties are great. And I know that you don’t want to miss a second of the action. But you must change your clothes. It’s an absolute must. You can’t go around smelling like a bad combination of a strip club, sun tan lotion and the beach all weekend.
5. Champagne Gets Expensive
I can’t stress this point enough. Drinking from the second you get up until the second you go to bed will always put some pressure on your wallet. But the second you start mixing in magnums champagne, forget about it. While it may seem like a great idea at the time, the bill will eventually come. It always does. Therefore, buying bottles for every cute group of girls you see may not be the best idea. There is plenty of time to spend money. There is no rule that says you must spend everything you own in the first day you’re there. Also, a general sign that bachelor party is out of control is when over 75% of the guys get calls from their credit cards for fraud protection. That is not a good sign.
6. Passing Out in the Pool Can Be Dangerous
Until this past weekend I’d never seen anybody pass out in a pool before. And something tells me that it can be dangerous. The good news is that I think I figured how to prevent it. Don’t drink champagne like it’s water in 90 degree heat for 7 straight hours while sitting in a pool. But if you do want to do that please take my advice and lay on a floatation device while you drink. It’s a simple act that may save your life. And no our guy didn’t die. We all saw it happening a mile away and just made fun of him while we waited for him to sink.
7. Don’t stress about finding drugs
I don’t do drugs. But if I did I wouldn’t have to worry about smuggling them onto a plane and risk getting arrested to make sure I had some for the weekend festivities. Getting drugs in South Beach is like getting a glass of water. The key is that you need to look like a bunch of tourists who have no idea what is going on but are looking to have fun for the weekend. And we had this look down cold. All it takes to achieve “the look” is 14 guys who are either pale as ghosts or burnt to crisp depending on the day, ordering tons of champagne and passing out in the pool. So if drugs are your thing just play up the fact that you’re on a bachelor party and you’ll have plenty of local scumbags cozying up to you in no time.
8. Make the Toasts Count
There is no doubt that I was part of the weakest toast in the history of toasts this past weekend. Frankly I’m not sure how we allowed it to happen to us. Our biggest toast of the entire weekend happened in the middle of the pool with a million people watching us. To be honest, I don’t even remember who started it or what was said, but I do remember the drink that everybody was holding. It was a concoction called a Miami Vice. For those not familiar with a Miami Vice it is half Pina Colada, half Strawberry Daiquiri and the world has never seen a more fofo drink than the Vice. It’s hard to be taken seriously as a crew when you toast with fofu drinks. It just doesn’t get it done in South Beach or anywhere for that matter. So if you want to be taken seriously as major players on the strip then I advise doing all toasts with Champagne, wine or beer. But keep the Miami Vice’s out of it.
9. There is Always Plan B
For this one it doesn’t matter where you go on your bachelor party, whether it is Vegas, South Beach or Foxwoods. There is always Plan B and Plan B is of course the strip club. And here is the thing about the strip club. It ain’t going anywhere. So you should really exhaust all other party options before making the move. The sure sign it’s time to hit the strip club is when the only people left at the club or bar are people you recognize and you can’t get in anywhere else. That means it’s time to hit the strip club and hit it hard.
10. Ask at least one other person if you are crazy before dropping a dime on something
One of my buddies rented what had to be a 500 ft hummer limo on Saturday night. God bless his heart because he paid for the whole thing himself. It was his way to say thanks and let’s go nuts all at the same time. And it would have been a great idea had we traveled more than 35 yards the entire night. Obviously this guy didn’t ask where we were going or what we were doing he just reacted. Sometimes that works out and sometimes that doesn’t. My advice would be that when you’re about to spend over $1,000.00 on one purchase ask a couple people what they think first. This maneuver saved one inebriated friend from buying the entire pool at the Delano bottles of champagne and charging it to his room. A move that would have surely landed him in jail or washing dishes at the hotel for the next year or so.
So there you have it. 10 pieces of advice on how to maximize your next bachelor trip. And I’ve saved the best for last. You didn’t hear it from me, but if you let a 50 dollar hooker into your room who is carrying her groceries with her, you can guarantee that she’s going to steal your deodorant when she leaves. Just a word to the wise.