Go Away Tessie

By Patrick Ronan

I’m supposed to be in a good mood when the Red Sox win. Right?

I’m leaving Fenway after an impressive 7-4 win over the tough Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and I’ve got a couple cold ones in my system. Life is good.

Just like that. It happens. This loud, atrocious noise fills the park and quickly kills my buzz.

“Don't blame us if we ever doubt you, You know we couldn't live without you, Tessie, you are the only only only…”

Are you kidding me? I’ve heard some bad songs at ballparks before. But this poor excuse for a song, “Tessie”, is the Red Sox victory anthem?

May God have mercy on the ears of Red Sox Nation.

Fortunately, “Dirty Water” by The Standells is still played immediately after the last out is made, but it’s not hard to figure out that “Tessie” is being pushed as the new Sox anthem.

I remember hearing the song “Tessie” for the first time last year on one of those ‘Week in Review’ shows with Dan Roache. There was a piece that featured the Dropkick Murphys recording with some Red Sox players.

I thought, ‘oh, this is kind of cool. I mean, the song bites and the band makes me wish I was born with only four of my five senses, but hey, some of the Sox get to showcase some musical talent. Right on!’

But then I started hearing it more and more. During highlight clips shown on NESN and in commercials featuring Sox players. It was even the last song played in ‘Fever Pitch’. It bothered me because I didn’t like the song in the least bit and I thought it was getting far too much airtime, but whatever, it’ll go away…..or at least I hoped.

Some songs can grow on me the more times I hear it, like the new Weezer song “Beverly Hills”, for example. I think seeing the video, which was filmed on the Playboy Ranch, may have helped peek my interest, but it’s a catchy pop tune we can all sing along to.

“Tessie”, on the other hand, is growing like a tumor. The song can be best described as, in musical terminology……a steamy pile of CRAP! I really think someone should call a doctor for the lead singer of Dropkick because on the records, it sounds like he’s choking to death.

Actually, strike that. Don’t call a doctor. Let him choke. We won’t have to hear them perform ever again and ruin St. Patrick’s Day in Boston.

I’m a local, Irish kid. So you’d think this group would appeal to me? Not in the least bit.
Every time I hear the song, which I unfortunately just did a few seconds ago with the Sox game on in the background, I’m ashamed to be a Red Sox fan. There. I said it. The one time in my life I have ever been truly embarrassed to be a Red Sox fan.

Now that I have adequately expressed my dislike for the song “Tessie”, let me put something together stemming from my latest brainstorm: the best and worst songs played at a Major League baseball game.

Couple things to remember before I break down my Top 5 “Best Ballpark Songs” and Top 5 “Worst Ballpark Songs”. First, the lists apply strictly to baseball games. Not football, baseball, hockey, tennis, lacrosse, cricket….you catch my drift?

Second, you will most likely disagree with my lists, since that is the true nature of Bostonians- to disagree. To those who feel that strongly against my choices and have some “better” options, e-mail The Stool with your Top 5’s.

Here we go. First, I’ll share my favorites.

Top 5 Best Ballpark Songs:

5. “Another One Bites The Dust” – Queen

You didn’t see this Queen song coming, did you? This 1980 hit is the wild card you won’t see on many lists. But it’s the perfect jam to hear in the late innings of a tight ballgame when your team is rallying and their pitcher starts feeling the pressure.

Check out these lyrics: “There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man, And bring him to the ground, You can beat him, You can cheat him, You can treat him bad and leave him, When he’s down, But I’m ready, yes I’m ready for you, I’m standing on my own two feet”.

And with that killer bass line, there’s no reason why this song shouldn’t be played more at ballgames.

4. “Twist and Shout”- The Beatles

This is that song that’ll get you off your seat no matter what the status of the game you’re attending. Whether your team is getting murdered on a rainy 40-degree night or your team is up by seven runs on a humid 90-degree scorcher, “Well, shake it up baby now” will get even the most awkward of human beings tapping their feet or shaking their ass.

I’ll give Ferris Bueller some props for making this song the hit it is today, but there is no doubt a ditty from the greatest band of all time belongs in the Top 5.

3. “Rock and Roll Part 2” by Gary Glitter (The ‘Hey’ song)

This is when the list starts looking a little cliché but I don’t really care. “Rock and Roll Part 2” is more than for just sporting events, it’s a song that symbolizes triumph. My roommates and I adopted this song as our karaoke favorite every time one of us got a girl back to our respective rooms.

I’ll be honest. It didn’t necessarily help the mission at hand, with eight drunk guys screaming “da da da da da da….HEY!!!!” outside my room. Gary Glitter is not really in Barry White’s league for mood-setting music, but a classic nonetheless.

2. “We Will Rock You”- Queen

I shouldn’t have to explain myself here. It belongs in every ballpark, and every sporting arena for that matter, and I’m pretty sure it is. And yes, for those keeping score at home, that is two Queen songs on my list. Sue me.

1. “Rocky Theme” (‘Gonna Fly Now’)

Without a doubt the most inspiring song in any athletic environment. I could hear this song during a chess match and I’d still get goose bumps and start cheering for the underdog. ‘Take his rook, you bum!’ I expect some of you to ask where the Rocky III theme, “Eye of the Tiger” is on my top 5? It’s a great tune, but common, it’s in a Starbucks commercial!

Top 5 Worst Ballpark Songs:

5. “YMCA”- The Village People

I encourage fan involvement at every ballpark. We’re paying enough to be there, don’t you think? The least we can do is become a part of the event. But that’s why the Wave exists and same goes with those beach balls that always make their way into right-center field.

But getting every one in attendance to dance to the “YMCA” by The Village People? Helllllllls NO! And why, at a sporting event featuring professionals, are we celebrating an establishment that was built primarily for middle-aged men and drooling toddlers?

4. “Song 2”- Blur

I don’t mind the song, but it belongs in football stadiums exclusively, if you ask me. I think I’ll get some shit for putting this on the “worst” list, but it’s my list. And I feel how I feel. And “woo hoo” just doesn’t do it for me.

3. “Boom Boom Boom” - The Outhere Brothers

“Girl your booty is so round I just want to play around--let me take you one more time I won't stop until your mine--but if I cannot be with you maybe I could have a taste--put your arms around me girl and your kisses on my face.”

The defense rests.

2. “Mambo No. 5” – Lou Bega

Just a really, really shitty song, yet I still hear it once and a while at Fenway. But you know what they say, sequels just get progressively worse. So maybe Mambo No.1 is the next “Kashmir”.

And last but not least….

1. “Tessie”– Dropkick Murphys

I hate it that much. Why couldn’t these guys have been born in New York?