The Anatomy of a Bull Ride
Here is the thing about being a Barstool Sports writer. It’s not good enough to just be an expert on sports. Oh no, you have to be a true renaissance man. You need to be able wax poetically on everything from American Idol to local strip clubs to the brilliance of Bill Belichick. And today’s article is a perfect example of just how multifaceted we are at the Stool. El Presidente spent last Friday night at The Liquor Store studying the best way to ride a mechanical bull. And while some may argue that this research is a waste of time, I think that my findings may eventually help solve world hunger. So without further ado, here is what I found.
1. It’s not a real rodeo
What this means is that you don’t need to try and act like a professional bull rider. There is absolutely no need to put one arm in the air like the real riders do. You won’t be disqualified for using two hands. But if you insist on striking the professional pose then you must be committed to it for the entire ride. There is nothing worse than the guy who gets on the bull and tries to act like a pro only to fall to pieces the second the bull starts moving. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you want to be Mr. Big Shot and hold your hand in the air then that’s how you need to ride the bull for the whole time.
2. Make the Exit Count
If I had to stress one thing to potential bull riders it would be to make the exit count. I saw way too many people hanging on for dear life when it was obvious that they had already gone past the point of no return. Listen, the last thing people are going to remember you by is your exit. If you’re sitting there hanging onto the side of the bull with your shirt all bunched up and your fat rolls hanging out, it’s not going to leave a pleasant taste in people’s mouths. You’ve just got to deal with the fact that everybody eventually falls off the bull. It’s just the law of physics. Rather than fight it, you should embrace it. I’d suggest leaping off the bull before it drags you through the mud. This is the only possible way to exit the ring with your dignity in tact.
3. If you can’t get on the bull, you probably shouldn’t be riding in the first place
I mean this seems simple enough right? It’s a shame that I even have to include this in my research findings but I do. I have no problem with any man, woman or child in the bar wanting to give the bull a ride. I really don’t. After all, The Liquor Store is the only place in town where you are going to have the opportunity to ride a mechanical bull so you might as well take advantage of it. But I do have a problem if you walk up to the bull and you can’t physically get on it, yet you insist on taking your turn. Let me tell you something; if you need help getting on the bull then you should just walk away. A good bull ride is a lot like a good umpired baseball game. The best thing you can say about each performance is that nobody really noticed you. Unfortunately, when you struggle to get on the bull you might as well be yelling into a megaphone “watch me make an ass out of myself” And then what do you do the rest of the night? Even Rico Suave couldn’t pull tail after an awkward bull ride.
4. Good Sportsmanship
One of the things that I wasn’t expecting was the level of animosity between the bull riders and the bull operator. It seemed like at least 50% of the people who rode the bull would give the bull operator dirty looks after they got tossed to the ground. This is crazy. It is the bull operator’s job to get all guys and nonattractive girls off the bull as fast as humanly possible. You’ve got to understand- that's his job. And when he does his job correctly and tosses your ass into the bleachers I think you should give him a little tip of your cap on the way back into the crowd to acknowledge that he beat you. It’s just simple bull riding etiquette really.
5. Don’t Take Multiple Turns on the Bull
When I was at Liquor Store I couldn’t help but notice that the same 3 or 4 guys were riding over and over again. They’d fall off the bull and just get right back in line. It seemed like the bull was the only reason they chose to go to the Liquor Store. The bull could have been at Canobie Lake Park, The Topsfield Fair or Studio 54 and that’s where these guys would have gone out that night. Their only concern was to ride the bull as many times as possible and set their own personal records. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that multiple bull rides is not a great way to build up your image. Personally, I don’t think guys should ride the bull at all, but if you do, please keep it at one per night. Anything more than that raises serious questions about how big of a loser you are.
6. If the Bull Screams, that’s not good.
One of the problems with combining drinking and physical activities is that people get a few pops in them and everybody thinks they are suddenly Jerry Bailey. They’ll attempt things that they’d never do sober in a million years- like ride a mechanical bull. If you are a weight challenged individual, I’m begging you not to ride the bull. Not only do I feel bad for the bull when a big person climbs aboard, but I feel bad for myself. Watching a fat person on the bull is like watching a bad train wreck. You know it’s horrible but you can’t turn away and you just end up scarred. My advice for a fat person who can’t handle their drinks is that if you’re going to the Liquor Store the first thing you should do when you enter is walk right up to the bull operator and say “under no circumstances am I to be allowed on this thing tonight. I don’t care how drunk I am or how much I beg; do not let me on it.”
7. Muscle Shirts
This one is very self explanatory. Muscle shirts and mechanical bulls weren’t meant to go together. It is another combination that just doesn’t work. And the thing about it is that you need to be careful when laughing at the guy in the muscle shirt because you don’t want him and his 6 muscle shirt friends coming over and trying to start a fight with you in The Alley for laughing at him on his bull ride.
8. Don’t Take Pictures
I spent two hours taking pictures of people riding the bull on Friday Night. (It was for this story of course) And whenever a pretty girl got on the bull I felt like a total pervert. I could sense people looking at me, wondering what the hell I was doing. But the weird thing was that I wasn’t the only one snapping photos. Apparently not everybody feels the same way I do. But trust me, it’s weird. I was doing it for a story and I still felt like an idiot. So unless you want people to think you’re a pervert don’t take pictures of the pretty girls riding the bull.
9. Pretty Chicks Need To Ride
Thank god for pretty girls. Pretty girls are the reason why mechanical bull riding will never go out of style. You can have a fat dude followed by a guy in a muscle shirt, followed by an ugly girl and it’s all suddenly worth it when a hot chick steps to the plate. It’s why you lift all them weights. Nothing brings together a bar like a hot chick riding a bull. It’s like watching the Red Sox beat the Yankees or something to that effect. Everybody instantly is in a good mood. And it’s a great conversation starter as well. Who needs pick up lines when you can just talk about the chick on the bull and tell all the other smoking hot girls that they should do it? Trust me ladies- there is no possible way for a good looking girl to look bad on the bull. It’s impossible.
So there you have it. My 8 simple rules for a successful night of Bull Riding at The Liquor Store. While it may not be rocket science, in many respects it kind of is. Just remember fellas- one ride per customer and if a pretty girl wants to get up there, do us a favor and let her cut you in line.