All-Time Strip Club Soundtrack
Ah, the nudie bar... As Al Bundy once described, “Where they water the drinks, and the music stinks…” however, as we’ll see today, that might not necessarily be the case. You see back in the old days, like the 1960’s, strip club patrons had to endure trombone and player-piano music for hours on end while they stared at naked boobies. Today, nudie bars around the globe, and Canada, basically all have the same, standard play list of hip hop and hair bands to entertain the clientele. It is an interesting mix to say the least, and at times, distracting. So today, just because, I’ve compiled my All-Time Nudie Bar soundtrack… cue The Pulitzer? We shall see. Hopefully Bundy would be proud…
“Black Velvet” - Alannah Myles. Wow, is this not the perfect song for a stripper to prance out too or what? I think Day 1 of Stripping Class the professors should teach the students how to dance to this song -- then how to create a fake name, then how to hang naked from a horizontal bar without losing your keys. Hey even if she’s not wearing black, OR velvet, it really doesn’t matter. Alannah Myles’ one and only hit is tailored-made for ANY girl, wearing ANY outfit. “Black Velvet, if you please…”
“Fallen Angel” – Poison. I obviously needed to “pick a Poison” song for the strip club soundtrack or else I would’ve been fired, so I went with “Fallen Angel” because A., I think its about strippers., B., it very well may be the greatest song ever made, period, and C., its moving and powerful chorus…. “….Wants it all! Maaama’s Fallen Angelllll, lose it all! Rolling the dice, of her LIFE!” Now that’s just tremendous. Also, Poison is currently on the road -- the “Gypsy Road”, that is, touring with Cinderella in what is the must-see tour of the summer. In my opinion…
“The Jack” - AC/DC. I don’t know any of the lyrics to this song other than “She’s got- the JACK (pause, pause) She’s got- the JACK (pause, pause)…” But that’ll do. In fact, I’ve never actually heard this song at a strip club before but my “instinct” is telling me it’ll work. So, if for some reason you’re not familiar with this song, trust me on this one, it is very nudie bar friendly in its rhythm and pace. “….She’s got- the JACK (pause, pause) She’s got- the JACK (pause, pause)…” See?
“Me and You” – Cassie. Who says Barstool Sports isn’t hip? Well a lot of people, actually, but they’re wrong. See, I’ve been listening to FM radio quite a bit this summer and I know Cassie’s “Me and You” is “blowing up” right now. Its “hot” as well as “off the hook” and also “tight”. You’re probably wondering where “Promiscuous Girl” is on this list, but I don’t think it’s a good nudie bar song. Again, trust me…
“Comfortably Numb” - Pink Floyd. We’re going strictly for value here with this pick. Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb” is six and a half minutes long, so you know as a paying customer you’re getting your money’s worth when it kicks-in before your lap dance. Oh, and please don’t try “air guitar-ing” at the end… you’re probably too old to air guitar number one, and two, it’s just not appropriate given the situation.
“Closer” – Nine Inch Nails. Um, yeah. Another no-brainer… The chorus pretty much sums up the mood of the establishment… unless of course you’re playing video Keno at Larry’s Villa in Las Vegas and not even pretending to pay attention to the girls.
“Shakin”- Eddie Money. Obviously the great Eddie Money’s “Sh-Sh-Sh-Shakin!” HAS to be included on the all-time nudie bar soundtrack. Why? Well I saw Eddie Money LIVE in 1993 (not at a strip club) and let me tell you as a sea of passed-out middle aged women in denim as my witness, this song nearly brought down the teepee at the Oakdale Theater in Wallingford, Connecticut. “Imagine what this could do at a strip club?” was my first reaction. My second reaction, “Why am I at an Eddie Money concert in high school?”
“Girls, Girls, Girls” - Motley Crue. This, of course, is a freakin’ classic. In fact, although I haven’t been there in weeks, I’m pretty sure the Foxy Lady down in Providence still blasts “Girls, Girls, Girls” before the world famous Solid Gold Dancers hand out the “free” t-shirts and rope you in to yet another $20 lap dance... Ben Coates, “What up!?”
“Hot for Teacher” – Van Halen. “OH MYYYY, GOD…” You didn’t think I forgot “Hot for Teacher”, did you? I hope not. There’s simply no way you can leave off this song – there’s a freakin’ teacher stripping IN the video! To be fair, Van Halen has a few songs eligible here – I was tempted to use either “I’ll Wait”, “Poundcake”, or “Finish What Ya’ Started”. But I decided to go with the safe pick and “Hot for Teacher.” I think it was the right choice.
“Purple Rain”- Prince. Why isn’t this song played more often at the nudie bar, is my question. Maybe it once was back in the 80’s, but clearly I would have no idea. I was too young, unfortunately, to attend said establishments. I feel like I was missing out on history in a way. Seriously, what kind of music did they play at strip clubs pre-1980? Was it just all of Zeppelin IV and Physical Graffiti? What about “Fever”? Could have been. Maybe it was just “Fever” and Led Zeppelin the entire time…
Well that concludes the All Time Strip Club soundtrack, for now. Due to space restrictions, I could only fit 10 songs on the album - maybe we will do a Volume 2 at some point. I know Tone Loc, GNR and Billy Idol fans may have some gripes...