The All-Time, All-Tail Trophy Case

The All-Time, All-Tail Trophy Case

As I saw Reggie Bush win the Heisman on Saturday, it hit me; that with this one, single piece of hardware, not only did Reggie Bush become part of college football immortality and in a few short months, the Houston Texans; but the man just guaran-damn-teed himself some serious, serious tail for the rest of his life.

I mean, imagine coming home from a date; you turn down the lights, throw a few logs on the fire, pose like Desmond Howard…..and then casually point out the HEISMAN TROPHY in the display case to the right with your “free hand”.

Um, showtime!

Staying with that theme for a second, I was envisioning a trophy case of my own. Roughly 5 feet in length, 6 in height, and 3 feet front to back. All glass with 2 gold shelves, felt where needed, and frickin’ laser beams zig-zagging at night.

I shall call it, the “All-Time, All-Tail Trophy Case”. And when completed, will prove to be beyond a shadow of a doubt, the greatest theoretical collection of tail-pulling medals, trophies, honors and awards ever assembled.

Yes, I said theoretical.

(Note: Team trophies like the Stanley Cup, Lombardi Trophy or Little Brown Jug do not count. This is a completely selfish collection, consisting of individual awards only.)

The first award in the case has got to be a Gold Medal. Winter, Summer, Special; doesn’t matter. If a girl comes back to the crib and sees a Gold Medal in the living room, you won’t need any Miracles getting in her pants. For no other reason than she can brag to her friends, “I’m dating a Gold Medalist! I’m dating a Gold Medalist!” It could be in Women’s Luge, it doesn’t matter. Gold is Gold, yo. You think Mike Eruzione spends his Monday nights watching The Gauntlet? Come on.

For trophy two I’m going with the aforementioned Heisman.

According to the Heisman website, “the finished product, cast in statuary bronze, faithfully depicts a skilled and sinewed football player, sidestepping, and straight-arming his way downfield to a mythical touchdown.”

So THAT’S what he’s doing!

The point is that if a girl sees you strikin’ the pose, then sees the trophy; then sees you, then sees the trophy, I mean, come on.

I guess it could be kind of awkward though with you “straight-arming your way downfield for a mythical touchdown” for no less than 15 seconds, but it should still suffice for an actual score. Heck, you still might be able to win one of these legitimately. Chris Weinke was 39 years old when he won it back in 2000, so there’s time to re-enroll. That notwithstanding, our theoretical case wouldn’t be complete without the Heisman Trophy. (Pause to pose.)

Our third trophy is gonna be a Soul Train Award.

Who said the case was limited to athletics?

Think about her reaction as she’s perusing the case…..“Oooooh, a Gold Medal… Wowwwww, the Heisman Trophy………..…. Dude, what the fuck are you doing with a Soul Train Award?!”

I think that would be worth the price of the award in gold. But more than that, it would show her you’re not “too into sports” and that you have “other interests.” This is important. Maybe you can sing and/or dance to whatever track you made famous; or even throw in a Bruce Dickinson reference about putting your pants on one leg at a time.

Plus, I’m pretty sure that’s DON CORNELIUS whose bust you’ll have in your living room. And that never hurt NO-body…

Our 4th award is the coveted Nobel Prize. Now we’re talking some serious shit. You’re curing cancer and settling generation-old disputes in remote and dangerous parts of the world like the South Bronx. The thing with the Nobel Prize is that she’s obviously hit the morality jackpot. Unlike the Heisman, no double murderer has ever won the Nobel Prize. That “Tookie guy” was nominated, but he didn’t win. So if you weren’t all set already with a Gold Medal, Heisman Trophy (pause to pose) and Soul Train Award, I think the Nobel Prize should seal the deal.

The 5th piece of hardware in the All-Time Case is a Silver Medal.

A Silver? Why?? We already have the Gold! I know, I know. But you’re not thinking 4th dimensionally.

The Silver Medal shows you’ve suffered. You drove 200 miles every morning to the local speed skating rink for 13 years only to lose to a doped-up German by 6/1000ths of a second. Tough break. You paid your dues but came up short. But, as evidenced by the more prominently displayed Gold Medal, you persevered. You said your prayers, ate your vitamins and worked out every day. The Silver Medal shows you’ve experienced the agony of defeat, and certainly adds a speck of character to your resume.

Note: Now she may be in love with you. Be careful.

Finally, to complete the collection, our 6h and final trophy is none other than an AVN Award. AVN = Adult Video News. Yes, a porn award. How cool would a “Best Schlong 2005” trophy look right-smack-dab in the middle of the All-Time case? Hopefully the shape of the award doesn’t literally reflect the award itself because that might not go over too well on Christmas. Regardless, the AVN Award is a must-have trophy. It will surely round-out your collection and show her you’re not afraid to get freaky on camera, which is always a plus.

So our All-Time, All-Tail Trophy Case is complete. A Gold Medal, a Heisman, a Soul Train Award, a Nobel Prize, a Silver Medal and an AVN Award. Stupid? Maybe. But let the record show that I’m simply trying to gather a bunch of unattainable medals, awards, honors and trophies for a theoretical glass case to impress the opposite sex. As someone once said, “What’s wrong, with that?”