The All-Marvel Comics Teams

In the week since its release, "Spiderman 3" has earned more at the box office than Roger Clemens has his entire career. I may actually be the last man in America who hasn't seen it, but it's not for lack of trying; I just simply haven't made it to the Giganto-plex yet.

Until I do, I'll have to satisfy my inner nerd some other way. The only way that a rational mind would: By organizing the Marvel Superheroes according to their best football positions, comparing them to their all time Patriots' equivalent, making a defense out of the Supervillains, and coming up with their comparable all Patriots-Killer players.

Somehow, it all makes perfect sense to me.

OFFENSE (Good Guys)

QB: Captain America
Everything you want in a QB. Unquestionable leadership qualities. Makes those around him play better. Great in the clutch. Not super fast, but very agile and able to move under pressure. Very accurate arm when throwing his mighty shield.
Equivalent Patriots Player: Tom Brady

RB: Iron Man
Tough. Durable. Able to withstand the hits. Also fast and strong. Has the power to hit the hole and the burst of speed to break it outside. Very smart.
EPP: Curtis Martin

FB: Nick Fury
Nasty as they come. Plays with a mean streak. Also versatile; can discern a defense's weakness and exploit it. Unparalleled ability to stop an opponent from getting to the man he needs to protect. Can also catch.
EPP: Sam Gash

WR: The Human Torch
Can flat-out fly. Speed to burn.
EPP: Stanley Morgan

WR: Spiderman
Not great speed, but good agility. Good as a slot receiver. Intelligent. Excellent presence, can sense pressure and get open. Great, great hands. Can hold onto anything. Capable of helping out on defense as he can cling to an opponent and tie him up.
EPP: Troy Brown

TE: Thor
Big, strong and fast. Can hammer an opponent when blocking then show excellent speed and the ability to play in space. Tends to think he's a god, but backs it up.
EPP: Ben Coates

LT: The Hulk
Size and strength with powerful legs. On the field: ferocious competitor who plays with a mean streak and will smash an opponent. Off the field: intelligent and a quiet leader.
EPP: Bruce Armstrong

LT: Wolverine
Plays with furious, reckless abandon. Fierce. Much stronger than his size would indicate. Excellent speed and ability to pull to the outside. Invulnerable to injuries. Will eviscerate a would-be tackler, then look for another to take out of the fight.
EPP: John Hannah

C: The Beast
Quiet and underrated. Is big and strong. Also intelligent enough to have gone to a good school. Smart enough to call all the blocking schemes. Seems like a nice guy, but will rip your lungs out when the game starts.
EPP: Dan Koppen

RG: Colossus
Versatile. Tough. Can use morphing power to adapt to any blocking assignment, whether it's pass protection, pulling or drive blocking.
EPP: Sam Adams

RT: The Thing
Size and strength a huge plus. Not the best footwork, but will clobber defenses with his run blocking.
EPP: Leon Gray

DEFENSE (Bad Guys)

DL: The Wrecking Crew (Bulldozer, Piledriver, Thunderball & Wrecker)
A devastating combination of strength, quickness and nastiness. Experienced at working together as a team. Wreak havoc on the good guys.
Equivalent Patriots Opponent: The NY Sack Exchange (Mark Gastineau, Joe Klecko, Marty Lyons and Abdul Salaam), Jets

MLB: Dr. Doom
The smartest, period. Uncanny ability to stay one step ahead of an opponent. Seems to be playing at a higher level than anyone else. Also exceptionally strong for someone of average size. Ruthless. Virtually unstoppable.
EPO: Zach Thomas, Dolphins

LOLB: Sandman
A strong, elusive, virtually unblockable pass rusher. When you line him up for a hit, he seems to shift in an instant and make you miss. Punishing and merciless, but highly intelligent.
EPO: Jason Taylor, Dolphins

ROLB: Juggernaut
A run stuffer of unmatched strength and power. Gets a head of steam and will drive right through blockers.
EPO: Joey Porter, Steelers

CB: Venom
Quick, agile. Came to Earth as a being with a symbiotic relationship with Spiderman. Shares the Wallcrawler's ability to anticipate and stick to an opponent. Left the Webslinger and joined with the forces of evil.
EPO: Mike Haynes, Raiders (after the Patriots)

CB: Green Goblin
Fast. Brilliant. Can cover ground rapidly and deliver an explosive hit. Comes up big in clutch situations.
EPO: Champ Bailey, Broncos

FS: Dr. Octopus
Strong with excellent coverage skills. Able to wrap up an opponent and neutralize him. Could have been great, but sadistic streak ultimately did him in.
EPO: Jack Tatum, Raiders

SS: Magneto
Not physically imposing, but impossible to stop. Smart. Driven. Like Doom, can make all the calls for a defense. A natural leader.
EPO: Bob Sanders, Colts

And who would win a battle between the two teams? It's my idea, so I say it's the good guys, as long as they get Bill Belichick (Marvel equivalent: Dr. Charles Xavier). And just for the record, Adam Vinatieri's superhero equivalent would be Adam Vinatieri.