The All Movie Quote College Commencement Address
I only have but two regrets in my life. The first was singing “Honkytonk Women” with the band at my wedding. And since it thing was captured on video (including the aghast, horrified reactions of the Oyster Harbors crowd on my Beloved’s side) I can’t unring that particular bell. My other regret is that I never went to college.
Which doesn’t mean I don’t have a college degree. I do. I just never “went” to college in the sense that every other Barstool staffer went. Meaning I didn’t leave home, live somewhere for four years and have what everyone who did so will tell you was the greatest experience of their lives. When you find yourself talking to friends who went to Michigan, Syracuse and Providence... and married to an Irish Rose who went to Notre Dame’s sister school... you figure out fast that those years you spent driving to Bridgewater State then back to your parent’s house wasn’t college, it was “taking classes.” It was “earning credits toward your degree.” It was grades 13 through 16.
Not to suggest it wasn’t a great time in my life. It was all of that. If you’re a 20 year old guy with zero responsibilities and you’re not having the most fun of your life, you might want to consider death by Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation; it would end your suffering and be less embarrassing for your loved ones. No, it’s just I didn’t have what one would normally consider the college experience. While most guys were sneaking beers past the RA and getting hammered in dorm rooms, me and my fellow commuter schoolers were drinking 85 cent Buds at the Knights of Columbus or drinking GI Quart Black Labels at each other’s houses on Tuesdays at noon. Guys in real college were enjoying the smooth sailing of picking up coeds at campus parties while we were navigating the rock-strewn stormy seas of actual barrooms. I’m not crying poor mouth. It was what it was. I’m just saying that I wish I got a taste of real college life is all.
I get this feeling every year at this time, when you can’t so much as drive down the street to pick up a nostalgic GI Quart of Black Label in Massachusetts without getting caught in graduation traffic. I imagine Graduation Day to be a big, hairy deal for those affected. I wouldn’t know, having not gone to mine. I’m sure it’s great to bid farewell to your school life amid the pomp and circumstance. Listening to some learned speaker preparing you for your adult life with words of inspiration and high ideals. I just figured the Bridgewater St. commencement speaker was probably going to be some low level bureaucrat no one ever heard of talking about futuring into our horizons tomorrowly or something so I’m pretty sure I went golfing that day instead.
Anyway, where all this brings me to is, I’d like to give a commencement address. Just once. Anywhere. It’s on my Bucket List. I know I’m not the conventional choice. They usually opt for people who’ve actually accomplished something in their lives. People who are wise, philosophical and inspirational, and I’m none of that. But I can do them one better. I can deliver something no professor or scientist or politician can: a limitless reservoir of movie quotes. I might have not paid attention in school or done anything with my Bachelor’s Degree, but I can deliver the wisdom, philosophy and inspiration of a lifetime squandered renting movies.
My movie-quote laden commencement address:
Students, faculty, parents, citizens of Rock Ridge [1]. Thank you for inviting me to speak today. I’m sure many of you are wondering why a nightclub comic who writes for a smutty sports paper was chosen to deliver this address. Fair enough. While you may say I’m a clown, we can’t all be lion tamers. [2] A man’s got to know his limitations. [3] As the Zen philosopher Basha once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. And a donut with no hole, is a Danish.' [4] And on that note, my goal here today is to set you on the path to your future with some of what I’ve learned on my own journey.
You come here today at the end of your college careers. And while you’ll miss the times you’ve spent here, fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. [5] Since I graduated, I’ve learned two incontrovertible facts. There is a God. And I’m not him. [6] In this life you don’t have to prove nothing to nobody but yourself. [7] Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. [8] Sure, it's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans. [9]
There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese. [10]
A lot o' people don't realize what's really going on. They view life as a bunch o' unconnected incidents 'n things. They don't realize that there's this, like, lattice o' coincidence that lays on top o' everything. Give you an example; show you what I mean: suppose you're thinkin' about a plate o' shrimp. Suddenly someone'll say, like, plate, or shrimp, or plate o' shrimp out of the blue, no explanation. No point in lookin' for one, either. It's all part of a cosmic unconsciousness. [11] There’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. [12]
I’m sure a lot of you, as you leave school are uncertain about your future. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. [13] There isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that. [14]
But I’m here today to give you a message of hope. Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. [15] I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball. [16] See your future, be your future. May, make, make it, make it. Make your future. [17]
Perhaps some of you don’t know what you’re going to do for a career now that you’re out of school. My advice is that you should look for a “dare to be great situation.” [18]. Don’t sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. Don't sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. [19]
But if the almost two decades I’ve been out of school have taught me anything, it’s that making money is a good thing. Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't fucking have any. [20] There’s no nobility in poverty anymore. [21] Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. [22]
Many of you will have children, and believe me, nothing you do in your life will be as rewarding as having a family. The only wealth in this world is children; more than all the money, power on earth. [23] A man doesn’t spend time with his family he can never be a real man. [24] Life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. [25]
Americahas its challenges, but it’s still the Land of Opportunity. The greatest country on Earth. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. [26] We are a nation at war, but Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. [27] And we must be ready to face threats to our nation. Because those who come looking for trouble have never been much of a problem for those who are ready for it. I suppose it’s always been that way. [28] We can't run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us. [29] Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. [30]
We’ve got many challenges in the years ahead as the world shrinks by the day. As many of you know, it's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits. [31]. But we must work to solve our global problems, because the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. [32]
So in conclusion, thank you, Dean Martin and members of the graduating class, I have only one thing to say to you today. It's a jungle out there. You gotta look out for number one. But don't step in number two. And so, to all you graduates... as you go out into the world my advice to you is... don't go! It's rough out there. Move back with your parents! Let them worry about it!!! [33]
1. Blazing Saddles 2. Lawrence of Arabia 3. Dirty Harry 4. Caddyshack 5.
Animal House 6 & 7. Rudy 8. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off 9. Naked Gun 10. Teen Wolf 11. Repo Man 12. Star Wars 13. Fight Club 14. Scent of a Woman 15. Shawshank Redemption 16 & 17. Caddyshack again 18 & 19. Say Anything 20. Boiler Room 21 & 22. Wall St. 23 & 24. Godfather Trilogy 25. Toy Story 2 26. Stripes 27. Patton 28. Road House 29. Rounders 30. LOTRs: The Two Towers 31. Kingpin 32. Star Trek 2: Wrath of Kahn 33. Back to School