Ain't That a Kick In the Nuts
If life had a point spread, Vegas would set the line at WORLD…. -35.5…. you. There’s always something, or somebody, trying to get in the way of you and a good day. Like today, for example, Labor Day – a day of rest. After a long weekend of the 4 B’s: burgers, broads, beer and Beirut; Monday was the perfect day to sit home and watch leisure sports and telethons. Instead, thanks to the good people at Comcast, my best laid plans were flushed down the toilet as my f’n cable has been out all day.
But I must admit; it could’ve been worse. There are plenty of other things that could’ve “kicked me in the nuts” even harder and easily ruined my day even more, as hard as that is to believe. So for the record, I’ve listed some of them here along with the last time each has happened to me and the appropriate swear for each occasion.
Losing the remote – appropriate swear: “Fuck”. As strange as this might sound, I think losing the remote is actually a worse feeling than losing cable altogether. The reason being, A., it’s your fault and B., you’re forced to watch (gasp!) commercials. The last time this happened to me was a few weeks ago down in Newport -- I was a basket case turning over couches looking for the remote. People were commenting on the effort I had put forth saying it was “unlike anything they had ever seen.” I checked everywhere - living room, dining room, I even checked the kitchen. Why would the remote be in the kitchen? It didn’t matter. You don’t think when you’re in full panic mode. Losing the remote is just a terrible feeling – I can only pray it doesn’t happen on Sundays.
Getting woken up prematurely to “Hotel California” – appropriate swear: “Asshole”. Holy crap, some asshole decided to blast “Hotel California” out the back of his jeep Sunday morning and woke me up wayyyyy too early. I understand living in the city, you have to learn to live with stuff like this but come on. “Hotel California” on “Grandma” volume level? At 9:00 on a Sunday morning? That’s just not necessary.
Locking yourself out of the house – appropriate swear: “God damnit”. I’ve never run out of gas or lost my keys – but I’ve locked myself out of my apartment at least twice. The last time was an absolute disaster – I was on a date last year at a local restaurant and since my landlord hadn’t yet responded, I decided to stuff a butter knife in the girl’s purse to take home and “MacGyver” the lock, or simply stab-open the screen. The worst thing about locking yourself out is that as soon as the door shuts behind you – it’s over. You’re night is completely ruined, as it was for me.
Actually getting kicked in the nuts – appropriate swear: “Shit”. You really can’t say “Fuck” when you get kicked in the nuts because the “F” sound requires too much energy. A muffled “ahhhh shit” is usually the best you can come up with. Last time I’ve had the unpleasant experience of getting kicked in the nuts was in college. I remember these girls would go around “fake” kicking dudes in the nuts. In other words, they would extend their foot right up to your groin causing you to flinch violently and “protect the plate”, but then stop before actually making contact. Until this one bitch “went too far” and nailed me in the balls, sending me to the ground in agony. Not cool…. not cool. I think I either threw-up or cried. Or both.
Broken bone – appropriate swear: “Holy Fuck!” I’ve never experienced a worse feeling, other than losing the remote, than when I broke the growth plate of my right ankle playing hockey in 8th grade. I was skating down the right hand side when this kid Chris Jackson (not the ex-LSU star, just some dude from Connecticut) checked me into the glass, causing my blade to wedge between the ice and the boards. My foot went left, my leg kept going straight. Winner: foot. Result: Incredible pain, crutches, 120 day DL.
Just missing the hooter scene in a movie – appropriate swear: “Damn it”. This is the fucking worst. You’re flipping through the channels and catch the scene one AFTER the hooter scene of a movie. My most recent example of this was the Encore “Mystery” classic, “Wild Things 3”. I flipped right to the part when the girl’s jeep was stuck in the mud. Just devastating. I don’t have Tivo or any of that crap, I’m old school (read: cheap) like that, and unfortunately just missed the only scene of the movie worth watching by a couple of seconds. “Damn it.”
Bad gambling beat – appropriate swear: “Fucking player/person/horse!” Oh the pain…. the pain!! Pro-bowl kicker misses chip shot for the Over, 30-1 horse jumps the rail, aging quarterback fumbles with no time left, some donkey pulls a miracle 4 on the river to hit his trips…. no matter how many times they happen to you, it just doesn’t seem to get any easier. Of course the pain is multiplied by how poorly you’re doing that day, unless you’re winning which is impossible. Technically my last bad gambling beat was 2 Sundays ago when I got shutout by TVG a full minute before the 3rd race at Saratoga. $140 exacta…